Five people who worry me

1. Abe Vigoda: He's still alive. I would have bet my house that he was long deceased. Yet Mr. Vigoda ("Fish" of Barney Miller fame) is still with us at age 92. It's not so much that I'm worried he's going to die. It's that I'm worried he's NOT going to die. That somehow he has developed superhuman longevity and will live for hundreds of years more, just waiting for the sweet sleep of death finally to overcome him. I would hate for him to have to exist like that.

2. The guy who decided the Kardashians should be famous: I don't blame the family for being so maddeningly overexposed. I blame the publicist who made it happen. One day we're going to find out who he is. And pardon my French, but there will be heck to pay. Oh yes, there will be heck to pay...

3. Anne Hathaway: We've covered this topic previously.

4. My lawn guy: I've had the same lawn guy (Bob) for more than 20 years. Several times a year, he comes by, applies a variety of fertilizers and chemicals to my lawn, charges me a pittance, and gives me written instructions on what specifically I should do to take care of the grass. And I do almost none of it. He says to mow on the highest setting, I mow it down like a putting green. He tells us to water the lawn, and we haven't done that (literally, I think) since 1998. I'm worried my noncompliance will eventually lead to an aneurysm on his part. It has to be frustrating. I'm sorry in advance, Bob.

5. Billy Joel: When Billy Joel was cranking out hit songs in the 70s and 80s, I think we all sort of thought of him as pleasant and harmless. Then he got into a series of car crashes in which alcohol may or may not have been involved, but you'd be pretty surprised if it wasn't. And then he peed in a bar with no toilet around. And then a few weeks ago his daughter's stalker was found naked in the woods, which while not an indictment of Billy himself, is still indicative of the craziness that suddenly surrounds him. I just want my happy little Piano Man back. Is that too much to ask?

Ten random thoughts on a Friday

1. Crayon colors I could do without: Burnt sienna, cornflower, pine green, either red orange or orange red (one or the other...we don't need both).
   
   
2. Crayon colors I like: Silver, brick red, forest green, cerulean, raw umber.
   
   
3. This week between Christmas and New Year's Day is the strangest one of the year. Some people are working, some aren't. Some businesses are open, some aren't. My inclination is to say that everyone and everything should just shut down, but there are certain stores I need to stay open this week because I want to shop there. If we could all just agree to make me Holiday Czar, the whole thing would work out fine.
   
   
4. This is sort of awkward, but how come no one bothered to tell me that Ernest Borgnine and Abe Vigoda were still alive? And while we're on the subject, how can that be?
   
   
5. If I'm flipping through channels and I come across an episode of "M*A*S*H," I will always stop and watch. Always.
   
   
6. Every Tuesday, Terry babysits a little girl named Ava. It's a nice way for her to earn some extra cash, and our whole family just loves little Ava. Chloe has taken on Ava-watching responsibilities during this Christmas break, and the other day I saw her changing Ava's diaper. And do you know what? I realized I miss changing diapers. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say that, but it has been awhile since we had any diaper-wearers in the house, and I actually miss it. It was always a nice little bonding time with the child in question. Of course, I understand perfectly that if given the responsibility of changing diapers again, I would get sick of it after maybe two changings. I know that. But for now, I officially (sort of) miss it.
   
   
7. I wish I had time to read magazines. I've always thought that magazine readers were smarter than the rest of us. Maybe I'm wrong there.
   
   
8. This will almost certainly be the first time in history that someone has typed this sentence, but it's true: I wish I had learned to play the bassoon.
   
   
9. Because of my big head, I don't often wear hats of any kind. They just don't look good on me. I am deeply envious of all you tiny-headed hat-wearers.
   
   
10. For the second Christmas in a row, we gave Jared a gift card to Baker's Square to buy his own pie. The boy loves pie, LOVES it. Last year he got a pumpkin pie and ate the whole thing by himself in less than 24 hours. I'm sure he'll do it again this year. He eats like this all the time, and I doubt he weighs more than a buck-30. I understand the whole teenage-boy-metabolism thing, but seriously, how can he not be 300 pounds? He defies all known laws of physics and biology. Again, I'm jealous and baffled.