Dramatis personae

When I launched this blog in December (as a continuation of the old "They Call Me Daddy" blog), it was intended for family and Facebook friends. Just a way for me to write about something other than broadband Internet, which is what I spend my days fixating on at work.

But along the way we've garnered quite a few new readers, largely as a result of being part of the News-Herald's Community Media Lab and also through the retweets and online recommendations of a few very kind regulars here. The result is that I can't just assume everyone knows who I'm talking about when I reference "Terry" or "Chris Dorazio" or "Percy."

So I thought it would make sense to run down the main characters who constantly pop up here...a sort of online scorecard for those new to our little group. To wit:

TERRY: My wife of almost 20 years. Pretty, smart and the glue that keeps my life together. Also an excellent kisser. Likes chocolate, Hallmark movies, and the color yellow. More on her later this month, as we're approaching the 26th anniversary of our first date.

ELISSA: My almost-18-year-old daughter. Smart as a whip, seemingly jaded, not a lover of children (which makes life with four younger siblings challenging, I imagine). Elissa is on the brink of selecting a college. I'm on the brink of financial collapse. These two things are in no way unrelated.

CHLOE: My 15-year-old daughter. The most unique individual I know. Not quite clinically insane, but well down that path. Chloe is very much the overachiever. I'm just starting to teach her to drive. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Chloe is one day named president of the world.

JARED: My 6-foot-tall, 13-year-old son. The Man Beast is a good soccer and saxophone player, though he tends not to do those two things simultaneously. Like his father, a fan of Cleveland sports and the Ottawa Senators. I have set the boy up for a lifetime of disappointment. What a terrible parent I am.

MELANIE: My sweet little 11-year-old daughter. Mel is a goalkeeper in soccer. It takes a special kind of person (*cough* CRAZY *cough*) to be a goalkeeper, so I give her credit. Melanie is also a great actress. Thankfully, she hasn't yet learned to transfer that skill from the stage to her home life, but I know it's coming.

JACK: My 6-year-old son. An evil genius. I used to say it was just coincidence that we decided not to have any more kids after he was born. Now I'm not so sure. In any case, he's good for at least one belly laugh a day. The most unintentionally funny person I know.

SEAN: Elissa's boyfriend. Her intellectual equal AND a sax player. This is a good combination.

CHRIS DORAZIO: Chloe's Vietnamese-Italian boyfriend. Always referred to by both his first and last names.

FRED, GEORGE & CHARLIE: The family cats. Fred and George are brothers. They are scared of Charlie, a stray we took in a year-and-a-half ago and the definite alpha male.

PERCY: Elissa's chinchilla. He has a cage that's nicer than my house. May outlive me.

S'MORES: Melanie's guinea pig. Chloe refers to her as "Muffins" for reasons only Chloe understands.

ROGER: Chloe's female dwarf hamster. Yes, female. Don't ask.

ALLIE: The gecko that started as Jared's pet but was recently hijacked by Elissa. Jared appears to be fine with this.

GINEVRA: Elissa's rat. By now I assume you are not at all surprised that we have a rat.


Life is a crazy whirl of people, pets and activities at our house, and these are the people/animals who make it happen. They should all be proud.

Hate the boyfriend! Hate the boyfriend!

I don't own a shotgun, which apparently marks me as a failure of a father.

The prevailing wisdom is that, as someone with daughters, I should be automatically distrustful of any boy they bring home. When it comes to my girls' suitors (an awesome word that I'm fully aware hasn't been used in any non-ironic sense in more than 100 years), my expected role as "Dad" is to project an air of suspicion and even borderline hatred. Maybe show them my gun collection, casting vague hints of retribution should they try anything with my female offspring.

Confession time: I like my daughters' boyfriends. I really do. They're nice guys, and they seem to treat Elissa and Chloe well. What's not to like?

The one who has been around the longest -- something like 9 months now? -- is Chris. Or, as he's referred to in our house, "Chris Dorazio." We always refer to Chris Dorazio as "Chris Dorazio," first and last name both. I don't know why, it's just something we do.

Anyway, Chris Dorazio is Chloe's significant other. He's Vietnamese-Italian, of course, a combination that could only happen in Wickliffe, Ohio. Chris Dorazio is a great athlete and a smart kid, but more importantly, he's Asian. Chris Dorazio constantly makes fun of himself for being Asian. This endears him to me because I also like to make fun of Chris Dorazio for being Asian. Not that there's anything wrong with being Asian, of course. It's just that, as a white suburbanite, I have a mandate from nature to make fun of anyone who doesn't look like me. Again, it's what we do.

So Chris Dorazio, who comes to church with us every Sunday and then spends the day hanging around the house like the honorary family member he is, will crack a joke about his eyes being slanted, his skin being yellow, or about being uber-smart, and I like him for it.

Elissa's beau (another awesome, seldom-used word from antiquity) is Sean. Sean is just Sean, because his last name is Matanowitsch. "Sean Matanowitsch" doesn't flow nearly as well as "Chris Dorazio," so he's just Sean. Which is fine. Whereas Chris Dorazio's greatest attribute is the fact that he was born in Vietnam, Sean automatically endears himself to me because he plays the saxophone. I play the saxophone, too.

ADVICE TO HIGH SCHOOL BOYS: Find something in common with your girlfriend's father. Trust me on this.

Sean is a nice kid who happens to be two years younger than Elissa. I think this bothers her more than it bothers me. I would be a lot more nervous if Sean were two years older than Elissa.
I should mention that my 13-year-old son, Jared, has a girlfriend, so the roles are reversed there. Her name is Marissa, and though I don't get to see her as often as Chris Dorazio or Sean, I know her mother, Kelly. And Kelly is awesome. I can only assume, then, that Marissa is the same. I know Jared likes her anyway, and since Jared and I tend to look alike, we probably also have the same taste in women.

I know fathers of young girls who are scared to death of that moment when their daughters bring home that first boy. They joke about pulling the young lad aside and telling him what will happen if he crosses the line with their precious little girl. And I get that. But really, fellas, you don't have to be so uptight. If you raise your daughters to be smart, sensible and self-confident, you won't have to worry as much when the dating thing begins.

And between you and me? Try and get them to go out with an Asian guy. The humor potential is unlimited.