Sometimes I stop by the library just to visit my books

Last year I published a book, but I don't really talk much about it here anymore because I figured it has sold just about all of the copies it's going to sell.

Which, for the record, is something like 230 total sales when you count paperbacks, Kindle versions and the audiobook recording.

Not exactly Danielle Steel territory, but then again, I never did it for sales or money or anything like that. I did it as a bucket list item, and because I found the whole experience to be so cool.

You know the best part? It's the fact that our local library carries four copies of my book.

I want to note that initially there were five copies on the shelves at the Wickliffe Public Library, but now there are only four. Presumably someone borrowed a copy and lost it, which I assume happens all the time.

Whatever the case, having a book I wrote on the shelf at my childhood library is something I never imagined would happen. I just love it.

Sometimes I will look it up in the electronic card catalog to see how many of the four copies are actually in circulation. As I type this, for example, two are sitting on the shelves while two others have been checked out.

I like when they're checked out, of course, but I also like stopping by the library to see the available shelf copies.

Every time I'm there I sneak over to the appropriate stacks (call number "248 TEN") and stare at "my" books for a minute. It never gets old.

Do you think Stephen King ever does that? I'll bet he did when he was first starting out.

Let it be known that on the day two of my books were checked out, both copies of Mr. King's "Pet Sematary" were also in circulation.

Which, as far as I'm concerned, means Steve and I are pretty much on the same level, as far as famous authors go.

I didn't pose naked for the cover like Britney, and nine other reasons you should buy my book this holiday season

1. You will laugh, either at the content or at the fact I think I'm so funny.
   
   
2. You will cry, either over the content or over the fact I think I'm so funny.
   
   
3. I will agree not to sign the book for you, thus preserving its value.
   
   
4. It has a beautiful cover with which I had almost nothing to do. The best parts of the book admittedly do not involve me.
   
   
5. I make $3.42 per paperback copy sold, which I pledge to use to buy myself apples. This doesn't really benefit you, but as noted here many times before, I like apples.
   
   
6. You can either buy Stephen King's new book or you can buy mine. I was a contestant on two game shows. Stephen's game show count? To my knowledge it's zero. Advantage: me.
   
   
7. It would make my wife Terry happy. Imagine how good you'll feel making her happy.
   
   
8. My book explains in earnest detail why Chuck E. Cheese plays a vital role in preventing a worldwide revolt among young children. You're not going to get that kind of insight from, say, Britney Spears' memoir.
   
   
9. Speaking of Britney, unlike her, I did not pose nearly naked for the cover of my book, which I consider a great favor to you. The least you can do in return is to buy the book.
   
   
10. In buying my book, you're propping up the economy. I don't want to imply that worldwide financial collapse would be your fault if you choose not to buy my book, but I'm also not saying that's not the case. Just to be on the safe side, you should probably just buy the book.

Click here to purchase the book on Amazon, either in paperback or Kindle/eBook format.

(Since this list likely did more to talk you out of buying the book than anything else, thank you for even considering it!)

I'm writing a book and cannot stand to read my own words anymore

I don't know what prompted it, but a couple of months ago I decided I was going to publish a compilation of my best blog posts. If all goes well, it will be released sometime this fall.

Actually, the 50 posts in the book may not necessarily be my "best." They're more like my "favorites." As I combed through the 840 posts I've written over the past 12 years, I picked out the ones that either made me laugh the hardest or the ones of which I was most proud, for whatever reason.

The book won't be intended for mass-market distribution. It's more of a pet project for friends and family, though I will gladly accept sales to random people who happen to stumble across it on Amazon.

Creatively enough, it will be titled "5 Kids, 1 Wife." At first I wasn't sure what to call it, but my longtime professional acquaintance Brian Sooy (a published author and marketing guru) suggested appropriating the name of this blog as the title. It's concise and compelling, he told me, and it gives readers a quick taste of what they'll find should they choose to buy the book.

He was right, as usual.

There will be a section on parenting, a section on family and relationships, a catch-all section labeled "Other Things on My Mind," and yes, a small section on my short-lived game show career.

The good folks at Kindle Direct Publishing make it relatively simple to create your own book. As Amazon's publishing platform, they allow you to distribute your work widely and easily in both electronic and hard-copy format. Thus, my book will be available as a paperback or as an e-book, depending on your preference.

Still, self-publishing is not something you accomplish in an afternoon.

First there's the writing. In my case you would think this part was easy, since I was choosing from among hundreds of pre-written, already-published blog posts.

I thought that, too. Then I started working through them and found my initial list had something like 120 posts I might potentially include in the book. It took a good while to whittle the list down to the 50 posts I liked best, and that I thought told some semblance of a collective story.

Then I started re-reading them and realized I needed to do some heavy-duty editing. It's not that they were poorly written. It's just that my writing style has become more economical over time, and the early posts especially needed some trimming in terms of word selection and sentence construction.

I have done five complete edits of these posts, pruning them from a bloated 41,000 words to the sleeker current total of just over 38,000.

At first it was fun to read my old stuff. By the third edit, however, it was torture. None of it seemed remotely entertaining anymore. By the fourth time through, I was thoroughly sick of reading my own material.

Let's not even talk about the fifth and final edit, which I can only characterize as a slog.

Once I got through that, there was the matter of finding photos to go with some of the posts. These had to be photos of sufficient resolution for inclusion in a printed book and to which I owned the rights or had permission to use.

Given those narrow parameters, there may be 20 images in the book once it gets to final form. Maybe.

Then I remembered I'm not a graphic designer and that even the most text-heavy books need some design to make them attractive. Enter another professional from my past, the talented Jamie Feldman, who is going to create the front and back covers.

I've also engaged an interior book designer from the UK named Catherine to work with me on typeface selection, page layout, and creating an engaging look and feel on each page.

I really should have hired someone to copy edit the book for me, as well, but I've already spent enough money on what is supposed to be an informal personal project, so I did that part myself.

I know people like Stephen King have staffers who handle most of this process for them, but now I wonder how many times he read through, say, "The Shining" before vowing never to open one of his own books again.

Believe me, brother, I can empathize.