I give blood for the wrong reasons, but the end result is still positive

He looks so happy, doesn't he?

Donating blood is one of those things you really should do if you're able, but I get why many people don't.

Some have less-than-cooperative veins, others have had various medical conditions that render them ineligible, and many others simply can't do it without passing out.

For whatever reason, I am built to give blood. I have what one Red Cross phlebotomist termed "amazing" and easily accessible veins running the length of both inner arms. I have no fear of blood or of needles, nor do I pass out.

Interestingly, once the needle goes in, it rarely takes more than 5 minutes for my donation to be complete. The red stuff comes out of me quickly.

Thus, giving blood is something I have done with some regularity since 1987 (or maybe it was 1988), when I made my first donation as a senior at Wickliffe High School.

In the early 90s I used to go to the Downtown Cleveland Red Cross Donation Center and give platelets, a process that would take upwards of two hours and required needles in both arms (one to take the blood out, the other to put it back in once the platelets had been stripped out).

For the most part, though, I just do run-of-the-mill whole blood giving. I try to do it every 8 weeks, which is the minimum time interval that must pass between these types of donations.

As I type this, I have given blood 116 times in my life, which works out to a little more than 14 gallons. I know people who have given far, far more than this, but I'm proud of my total.

In fact, it's the act of pushing my donation number higher and higher that most motivates me. I want to tell you the main reason I give is to help people in need, and that obviously IS the best reason, but foremost in my mind is that my personal total ticks one notch higher with each donation.

Recently I tried giving during a blood drive at work but was deferred because my iron level was slightly too low. I was miffed, but not because it meant that one fewer pint of blood would be available to someone in need of it. Rather, I was annoyed that donation #117 would have to be put off for a few weeks while I worked on upping the iron in my blood.

This is silly in many ways, not the least of which is that I'm competing only against myself. It's not like I'm in a race with anybody to see who can give more blood. I just want to win against...me, I guess?

This competitive streak extends to the actual blood-giving process, as well. Sometimes I'll schedule a donation at the same time as my co-worker Mary Ann, and we will frantically squeeze the little foam balls they give us over and over in an attempt to suck the blood from our veins faster and finish before the other person.

One time she beat me by one second.

One second.

I was so angry.

Oh, but someone lying in a hospital bed eventually received my A-positive blood, which is obviously the real goal.

Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself.

I generally don't cook because I end up bleeding into the food

As I type this, I have a batch of Moroccan Lentils bubbling in the slow cooker on the kitchen counter.

This is an extraordinary sentence in that I very rarely have anything bubbling, cooking, roasting or otherwise being turned into something edible through the application of heat. I don't cook. Or at least, I hardly ever cook.

There are reasons for this, the chief one being that I married an incredible cook and she feeds me and my family delicious food every day. Terry and I laugh over the fact that in 28 1/2 years of marriage, she has made exactly one dish I didn't like. And for the record, she didn't like it, either. It was an eggplant thing, though I generally like eggplant.

That means she's batting something like .99998, which is a championship-level culinary performance by any measure.

To be fair, I am also the least picky eater you may ever run across. I like everything. I really do. You would be hard-pressed to name a food I haven't eaten and enjoyed, or at least wouldn't be willing to try. So that helps.

Still, she's a great home chef.

So I don't really have a need to cook. Plus (and maybe this is just because I haven't done much of it and therefore haven't developed the knack) I don't really have the talent or inclination for cooking. It doesn't interest me. Only the eating part does.

One of the last times I tried cooking a full meal for my family, I think the main dish was fennel chicken. As I was chopping ingredients, I sliced my finger and, despite my best efforts to staunch the flow, managed to bleed directly into the pot.

I look at it as added protein.

Anyway, these Moroccan Lentils caught my eye when I saw the recipe in one of Terry's cookbooks, so I bought the ingredients and am making them. And really, there's no "making" involved. It's a slow cooker recipe, so you measure everything out, dump it in, mix it, set the slow cooker going, and that's pretty much it, other than occasionally wandering over to smell your creation and stir it.

If that was all there really was to cooking, I would be the Gordon Ramsay of our house.

All of the jobs I've had since age 15 and the pros and cons of each

Hey kids, trying to figure out what to do with your life? Can't decide which career to pursue? Well, here's a handy list of possibilities, all of which I've done in my life and most of which at least provided a living wage so that my family didn't starve. Which is a plus.


Dishwasher in an Italian restaurant (1985)
PRO: Free food.
CON: It turns out there are a LOT of dishes to wash in an Italian restaurant.

Wendy's employee (1986)
PRO: Free food (whether or not it was supposed to be free).
CON: Drunks who came through the drive-thru at 2:35 a.m. after the bars closed and thought they were hilarious when they ordered a Big Mac.

Newspaper sports department clerk (1988-90)
PRO: The thrill of deadline, helping to put out an award-winning sports section every night and getting paid for it while still in college.
CON: No free food.

Newspaper sports writer (1991-96)
PRO: See the "PRO" entry under "Newspaper sports department clerk" above.
CON: When they ask how much money you make, people can hear in your voice the implied quotes when you talk about your "salary."

Health insurance plan document writer (1996-97)
PRO: Each day would eventually end.
CON: Each day would inevitably begin.
(NOTE: In all fairness, this was with a very solid, reputable organization. It just wasn't a job that fit me especially well.)

Managing editor for a urology-themed trade newspaper (1997-99)
PRO: Urologists are hilarious. Seriously, some of the funniest people I ever worked with.
CON: Almost everything you write and talk about in the course of a normal work day involves penises, prostates and assorted old person problems.

Hospital public relations guy (1999-2002)
PRO: Being in the operating room and getting to tell stories about amazing research and clinical care at one of the finest academic medical institutions in the world.
CON: Lots of blood, some of it not your own.

Public relations agency account executive/vice president (2002-06)
PRO: Travel to many cool places.
CON: Travel to many cool places while your kids are little and your poor, pregnant wife is stuck at home.

Community foundation public affairs representative (2006-11)
PRO: Some of the nicest, coolest, most talented colleagues I've ever had.
CON: It's amazing how much people hate you when all you're trying to do is give away money.

Tech-oriented nonprofit marketing and communications VP (2011-13)
PRO: Broadband access is fascinating.
CON: Startlingly few people care about broadband access.

Unemployed guy (2013)
PRO: No work!
CON: No paycheck!

Blender company director of communications (2013-present)
PRO: There's always food here.
CON: There's always food here.

I should start giving blood again (and so should you)

Regardless of what the title might suggest, I don't mean this to be a preachy post about why you should get yourself to a blood drive and allow them to take a pint of  blood from your arm this very instant.

There are actually lots and lots of people for whom giving blood is not an option, for one legitimate medical reason or another. And I know that previous negative experiences with blood donation or needles in general can make it very difficult for others to give.

But for the rest of us, there's really not much of an excuse, is there?

According to my Red Cross blood donor card, I have donated 97 times in my life. That's just over 12 gallons I've given over the years, and I will say that I'm kind of proud of that.

In fact, I wish I could tell you that the primary reason I give blood is to help people. I mean, that is what I want to accomplish. But if I'm being honest, I'll tell you that what motivates me most to get into the car and head to a blood drive is not the altruistic nature of the process. It's to push my donation number even higher.

I MUST GET TO 100 DONATIONS. I MUST REACH 15 GALLONS, 20 GALLONS, 25 GALLONS. I MUST DO THIS SO THAT OTHERS WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS A GOOD PERSON.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You don't have to tell me what a weird, terrible little person I am. I already know.

I do love the idea that up to three people may be helped by every whole-blood donation I make. But what I really want are those little donation milestone pins they give you when you hit a particular gallon milestone.

Several years ago I used to give via apheresis, where they take blood from you, remove the platelets, and put what's left back into your body. It takes a couple of hours, but platelets are extremely important to a wide range of people, from cancer and heart surgery patients to transplantees and traumatic injury victims.

My friend Peter Clausen gives platelets often. Like, really often. He makes his way downtown to the donation center every week or so and listens to classical music (often "air conducting" the piece himself) while they remove his platelets.

Peter has given hundreds of times. Who knows how many people are still alive because of his generosity and others like him?

I used to feel like that myself. But another fact my donation card reveals is that I haven't given blood since December 27, 2013. I would tell you the reason is that I've been too busy, but you and I both know I'm just rationalizing there, so why bother?

I'll you what: I promise I'll get myself to a blood drive in the next few weeks if you do the same. What do you think?

For all the blessings you and I enjoy, I'm thinking it's the least we can do.

Deal? Deal.

I can no longer chew gum because I'll bleed to death

Over the past year or so, I've taken to buying a pack of gum every time I visit CVS, which incidentally has become my favorite store in the world.

I love CVS. They have all of the stuff I need to lead a semi-healthy lifestyle: Vitamins, supplements, dark chocolate, nuts, etc. And they also carry creamer for my coffee. And, as I said, gum.

I was never a regular gum-chewer until recently. But I think it's a habit I'm going to have to give up because almost every time I chew a piece of gum, I inadvertently bite my lower lip on the right side. Seriously, my right upper canine tooth (which has apparently grown in size and sharpness as I've aged) will inevitably catch that hunk of lip tissue and bite right into it at least once, which immediately turns my mint-flavored gum into a yummy mixture of mint and blood.

This is disheartening, not only because I like chewing gum but also because I like having a lower lip, too.

Am I the only one to whom this happens?