Dear Family: Please close the cupboard doors

Really, that's all I'm asking. If you open a kitchen cupboard, please close it afterward. That's it.

Oh, and also clean up any crumbs you leave on the counter. Please do that, too.

And don't put a butter knife covered in peanut butter in the sink. Wipe off the peanut butter and put it in the dishwasher.

Just those three things: Close cupboards, clean crumbs, wipe off peanut butter.

And wash the pot when you make noodles. Don't leave it for someone else to do.

While I'm thinking about it, you'll also want to turn off all lights when you leave a room. Don't leave the laundry room light on, don't leave the basement light on, don't leave the mudroom light(s) on, and don't leave the upstairs hall light on. I'm constantly turning those off.

So cupboards, crumbs, peanut butter, pot, and lights. Those are my requests.

And those of you who cannot open and close doors quietly while others are sleeping (you know who you are), please learn to do so. And practice walking quietly on your tiptoes and not stomping around the house and up and down stairs late at night.

Maybe also make sure all doors are locked if I'm already asleep.

And make sure the TV is turned off when you turn off the cable box. Sometimes the TV itself is left on all night.

So, yeah...cupboards, crumbs, peanut butter, pot, lights, quiet movement, locked doors, and turn off the TV.

On second thought, you'll never remember all of that. Just stick to the cupboard doors. I can be content with just that.

5 things that must be true before I can fall asleep

(1) I must start out on my stomach, with my right hand under the pillow propping my head up just a bit. I inevitably end up on my back by the next morning, but I always start on my stomach.

(2) The room must of course be dark, but it also needs to be cool. Almost cold. If I feel the slightest bit hot, I throw the covers off (whereas my wife, upholding married couple stereotypes, will be freezing while I'm sweating).

(3) The kitchen must be cleaned up, including the dishes. This one gets violated from time to time, but generally speaking, I don't like going to bed knowing the sink is full of dishes. Terry has no problem with it, and I know she'll clean up in the morning if she promises to. But I like waking up to a clean kitchen so much that I'll usually just do it myself before bedtime.

(4) I must be in shorts. Going back to point #2, I don't like feeling hot (or even warm) when I get into bed, and long pajama pants unfortunately do that to me. So unless it's 10 below outside and our room is a literal refrigerator, I'm in shorts. And a t-shirt.

(5) Everyone in the house NEEDS TO SHUT UP. This is Phase 1 in my Inevitable Transition to Cranky Old Man. My children, assuming my wife and I are fast asleep and cannot hear a thing, make incredible amounts of noise in the kitchen and living room late at night (and our bedroom door opens right out onto both). BE QUIET, DO YOU HEAR ME? I GET UP BEFORE 5 IN THE MORNING AND YOU DON'T. DIDN'T I TEACH YOU SOME CONSIDERATION? QUIET!!

Sorry about the mini-rant. I'm going to bed now.