My favorite thing about our appliances? The songs they sing, of course

When it comes to home appliances, we have become very brand-loyal to LG in recent years. I don't know if this was planned on our part, but the company's products are generally sound, reliable, and long-lasting.

Which is what you want in an appliance, of course. But for me, the key selling point was that our LG refrigerator, dishwasher, microwave, stove, washer, and dryer all play fun little electronic songs.

Like, for instance, this is what you hear when the microwave finishes heating your dinner (if you're reading this on your phone and the video window doesn't appear below, click on this link, which will open in a separate tab/window - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phyjMwNm-Rw):

Isn't that great? I made up lyrics to it, by the way. They go like this: "I am so happy that my food is done!"

Play the tune again and you'll see they fit perfectly.

This is the song our washer and dryer play when they finish a cycle (again, here's the link if a video window doesn't show up for you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y7rj98trow):

I don't yet have any lyrics for that one, but this enterprising young man did me one better. He took what was already a fun little ditty and played it in 10 different musical styles, including my favorite, thrash metal. Take a listen (the link if you need it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myZYsICWwNI):

I like to believe that video right there is the sole reason the Internet was created.

I'm not saying my way is the right way to load a dishwasher, but it kind of is

I am the main dish washer in our house, in large part because I don't cook. I take dish cleanliness very seriously.

Thus, I have put a great deal of thought into how best to load our dishwasher so that every last cup, plate, bowl, and spoon is sparkling clean the next morning when I unload them, no matter what is smeared, stained, or caked upon them when they go in.

I run our dishwasher overnight, by the way. Do you do that? One of the last things I do before going to bed is making sure everything is loaded, then I pop in a detergent tablet, ensure there's plenty of that rinse liquid or whatever it's called in the little chamber, and start the 3-hour and 1-minute "normal" cycle with "extra dry" option on our LG dishwasher.

This routine works for me.

I recognize there are probably multiple ways to load a dishwasher to get everything clean, but being an American, I'm going to discount all other methods and instead assume that mine is superior. And that anyone not loading the dishwasher my way is some sort of communist not to be trusted.

Anyway, my approach is probably not uncommon. Plates and bowls go into the lower rack (plates on the left, bowls on the right). I don't put anything in the slot against the far left side of the rack, because water apparently doesn't get there and nothing placed in those spots gets especially clean.

The silverware thingy is also on that lower level, and it's pretty much self-explanatory. I put the business end of utensils (i.e., the bowl of spoons, the tines of forks, etc.) in first. Not sure if that's the prescribed way, but it's how I do it.

The upper level is mostly for glasses/mugs, but also for any dishwasher-safe plastic containers I don't particularly feel like hand washing. The right-most row is for tall things like Jared and Melanie's post-workout shake bottles. The wider middle row is there to accommodate any larger cups and smaller bowls that require more space.

There is also a pull-out top drawer where I place dirty spatulas, ladles, spoons, and other implements that would otherwise take up too much room in the rack below.

Everything needs to have direct exposure to the rotating water arm. If it's blocked in any way, it's not going to get clean.

There will always be things you have to hand wash. Suck it up and live with it. Do not force feed them into the dishwasher. My family needs reminding of this from time to time.

If your dishwasher is worth its weight in the gold you used to pay for it, everything should come out looking brand new.

This is, it should be noted, the only semi-useful advice I will ever give you on this blog.

Five more reasons why my wife can't ever die

(1) If she goes and I'm suddenly in charge of the cooking, we would essentially have the same four meals over and over and over. Eventually the kids would rebel and throw me out of the house. That would be unpleasant.

(2) She paints well. And while I know she doesn't exactly love painting walls and stuff, she definitely hates it far less than I do. So I need her around to paint things.

(3) She's the only one willing to pull out all the honeysuckle that grows along our driveway. Without her, it would eventually overrun everything, including the inside of our house.

(4) If you leave the grocery shopping to me, I would only think to buy things I want. I would get home and realize the children had nothing to eat at all, and rather than going back to the store, I would just give each of them $50 in grocery money and let them fend for themselves. Which would of course mean a house full of mac and cheese, Krave cereal, and popsicles. Fun, but not especially healthy.

(5) She's the only one with the ability to clean out the little holes on the dishwasher spray arms when they get clogged. If she's gone and the dishwasher stops working, that would be it. We would just start cramming old socks in there or something, because I can guarantee you there would never be another dish washed in it again.

New refrigerator = new life

You don't realize how much your major kitchen appliances shape your existence until you buy a new one.

We recently purchased a new refrigerator and I'm still getting used to it. I interact with the refrigerator several times a day, and when the contents get rearranged, it throws me off.

"Wait, where do we keep the cheese now? And why are my apples way over here? This shelf moves? And this one doesn't? Why would they design it like that? How do you make it spit out ice cubes instead of water?"

And so on. My list of questions and sundry annoyances grows daily, but there's no denying it's a beautiful refrigerator. It's black. Very black. None more black.

My wife has decided that that's the direction in which all of our kitchen appliances are going: black. Which is fine by me. I just need to keep track of where she puts the yogurt now. And the fact that our freezer is now on the bottom rather on the side. That's world-changing, by the way. I won't get used to that for at least three years (you think I'm kidding).

A few years ago we bought a dishwasher from a guy named Flint Parker. That's an absolutely true story. "Flint Parker" should be rasslin' dogies out west, not selling overpriced appliances to suburban white people.

But sell appliances is what Flint Parker does, and he sold us an expensive one. I still love it, but it causes Terry no end of grief because she's constantly having to pull bits of food out of the spray arm nozzles so that our expensive dishwasher will actually, you know, wash dishes.

I've finally gotten used to the space-age, touch-sensitive buttons on the door of our dishwasher, which means it's about time for Terry to buy a new one. A cardinal rule in this house is that Daddy is never to be comfortable with any of the living arrangements. Once I grow accustomed to something, the family switches it on me. I can't keep up, and I think this amuses them. I'm like a walking psychology experiment to these people.

Anyway, apart from the refrigerator and the dishwasher, the only other really "major" kitchen appliance is the stove, and I almost never use it. I'll boil water occasionally, and once a decade I'll bake something, but really, Terry is free to swap that out whenever she likes. It's the one thing that won't alter my existence much at all.

But the Keurig? And the Vitamix? Those are staples. Don't mess with those. I need some consistency in my life. And besides, I'm still too busy trying to figure out where we keep the salad dressing now.

Our new thousand-dollar dishwasher

We bought a new dishwasher.

I realize how unimportant this is to you, but I'm thrilled about it. I end up being the one who loads the dishwasher most nights, so this is one appliance that matters to me.

The old dishwasher cost something like $400. It lasted four years. The new dishwasher was about $1,000. Can I assume it's going to last 2-1/2 times longer? Probably not. But I'll tell you what, it had better hold up longer than four years.

We bought the dishwasher at B&B Appliance, one of those family-owned stores that has been in business since the Stone Age. Seriously, I'll bet these people were selling hand-crank washing machines and wooden TVs in the Oklahoma Territory 150 years ago. They may not always have the best price, but their service is excellent and they stand behind their products.

I know this mostly because my father-in-law Tom shops there. Tom is not a guy who just rushes into things like buying thousand-dollar dishwashers. He has many years of experience in buying (and fixing) appliances. So if he says B&B is good, I'm with him.

The guy who sold us the dishwasher is named Flint Parker. Really, that's his name: Flint Parker. Isn't that great? If I'm being honest, I'll admit that part of the reason Flint was able to close the deal with us was because of his name. Plus, he looks like Morgan Freeman, and I like Morgan Freeman.

Another reason we bought this particular dishwasher is because it's a KitchenAid. Some years ago I bought my wife a KitchenAid mixer. The thing not only weighs 5 tons, I think it could mix concrete. Terry only uses it to make cakes and stuff, though, so I can't confirm the concrete thing. But it's definitely heavy duty and will last for decades. I'm hoping the same is true for the dishwasher.

Yet another reason we bought it is because it has four spray arms across the bottom. Most dishwashers (including our old one) have only two. Flint walked around the store opening up various dishwashers and showing us that, unlike the KitchenAid, every one had only two and occasionally three spray arms.

I asked why four spray arms is better than two, and Flint looked at me like I was slow. I guess I understand, but if four spray arms are so revolutionary, why don't other manufacturers make their dishwashers that way? I didn't ask Flint because I was afraid he wouldn't like me. And I'm not sure I could handle having Morgan Freeman not like me.

Flint said he has been working at B&B for 26 years and selling appliances for 50. That means he's at least in his late 60s, but he didn't seem that old to me. He was wearing a button-up sweater vest and he looked good in it. Not many people look good in a button-up sweater vest, let me tell you. I guess it takes someone with the confidence of a veteran appliance salesman to really pull off that look.

Anyway, we went ahead and bought the dishwasher, which now that I think about it didn't really cost a thousand bucks. The total was a thousand with delivery and installation, and I was happy to pay extra to have the thing brought to my house and hooked up. I suppose I could manage the job myself after much reading of the instruction manual and the requisite weeping and gnashing of teeth. But really, it was worth the extra cash to come home and see it correctly installed and ready to use.

It's really quiet. And it has buttons on top of the door instead of on the outside. It feels very space age to me, like the sort of dishwasher you would see on Star Trek. If I had the money, I would equip our house with nothing but Star Trek appliances. That's a very tempting thing to do, especially when you walk into a store with all of the latest models.

And believe me, B&B had all of the latest models. Washing machines, dryers, TVs, ovens, refrigerators. They were all there, and they were all insanely expensive. They had a model kitchen that Terry very much wanted. I did some quick math in my head and calculated that all of the appliances together in the model kitchen would set you back about 25 grand. That's some serious cash...cash we didn't have.

So for now we'll content ourselves with the new dishwasher. And with the fact that we now have a friend named Flint Parker. He was nice enough to give us his email address. I think I'm going to email him and let him know how quiet his four-armed Kitchen-Aid dishwasher is.