What we did right with each of our kids - Part I - Elissa

(NOTE: Parents are forever lamenting the things they wish they had done differently with their children. "I should have been more strict about this" or "I wish I had let her participate in that." That type of stuff. I see nothing productive there, so instead I choose to celebrate the things that Terry and I appear to have done well with our children. Plus, it's a good way to fill five days of blog posts. So there's that.)

Elissa is my newly minted 23-year-old daughter. I don't mean "newly minted" in the sense of "we just got her." I mean she just turned 23 recently.

Also, you will note that I did not hyphenate "newly minted" in that first sentence. Long ago when I first started at The News-Herald, Robin Palmer taught me not to hyphenate "ly" words. I don't know if that was an AP Style thing, a News-Herald thing, or just a Robin thing. But to this day when I'm editing copy, I will remove the hyphen after a "ly" word.

Anyway, Elissa. When she was little, she was shy. A borderline genius, mind you, but shy and introverted. As she grew, she became a little more extroverted with each passing year. Now, the thing comedian John Mulaney says about Jewish women also applies to Elissa: You do not need to ask how she's feeling. She will tell you.

And this is an exceedingly good thing. Women are often conditioned in this society to believe that "shy and quiet" is more attractive than "opinionated and vocal." I will take the latter any day of the week, and I like to think we encouraged her to be that way.

Here are five other things we did right with Elissa:

(1) We made her play her oboe until she graduated from high school. She was ready to be done with the instrument by her junior year (maybe sooner), but we prodded her to stick it out. I believe studying and performing music is an inherently beneficial thing. As is seeing through something you started. Elissa would disagree with me, but I think we did right by her in this decision.

(2) We let her make her own decision about college when it came to living on campus. She could have saved a ton of money living at home while she attended Cleveland State University, but she wanted the on-campus experience, and it's clear how much less she would have grown over those four years had we made her live at home.

(3) I played Barbies with her when she was little. Whatever you think of Barbie and whether she actually imposes unrealistic standards of beauty on little girls (I happen to think most little girls are smarter than that), we had some of our most fun times together playing with the gigantic stock of Barbie merchandise stored under Elissa's bed. Of course, once I got sick of playing, I would concoct some sort of fiery death for Barbie, Ken, and whomever else joined us in our adventures. But PRE-DEATH, Barbie sessions were fun.

(4) We let her make mistakes. This one is going to come up a few times in these posts about my kids, because I see great value in being allowed to screw up in your life. Protecting your children from every stumble and fall is unrealistic and ultimately counterproductive. To Elissa's credit, she has made relatively few mistakes to this point, but she has learned from the ones she has made. I'm pretty sure, anyway...

(5) We helped develop within her a healthy appreciation of 80s music. Elissa listens to a lot of stuff I like and a lot of stuff I probably don't understand. But in the end, we can always find common ground in "Come On, Eileen."

Psychoanalysis through band instruments

We play musical instruments in our house. All of us (well, except Jack, but give him a few years). It's what we do.

It started 30-plus years ago when Terry and I began playing the flute and saxophone, respectively. In fact, it was in the high school band room during second-period study hall my sophomore year that we met. Music has been a big thing for us since the start of our relationship.

Then along came the kids and, one by one, they've been picking up instruments. Even little Jack can bang out some tunes on the piano, and he plays a mean game of Wii Music.

I've always thought that a person's choice of instrument says something about them. Like flutists tend to be quiet and shy, while tubists are loud and brash. I've seen too many exceptions to that rule over the years to put a lot of stock in it, but I choose to continue believing it for two reasons:

(1) It's much easier to believe stuff you want to believe, rather than paying attention to facts.
(2) On a related note, it's much easier to blog about stuff you want to believe than the stuff you have observed to be true.

In that vein, let me offer you this little psychological profile of the people in my family based solely upon the instruments they play:

TERRY

Instrument: Flute

What It Says About Her: Flutists (we would also have accepted "flautists") want to play music but don't want to draw too much attention to themselves. This is Terry. She is certainly no spotlight-seeker, but she does enjoy the opportunity to play her flute when it presents herself. She is, to me, the quintessential flute player.

What Instrument She Should Have Played: Actually, the flute fits her to a tee. But if I had to pick another instrument for Terry, it would be the clarinet. Clarinetists are a lot like flute players.

ME

Instrument: Saxophone

What It Says About Me: Sax players all secretly want to be guitar players or rock drummers. When faced with the choice of picking a band instrument, if they can't bring themselves to play the drums, they go with the coolest, most rock-sounding instrument they can think of. Of course, this analysis used to hold a lot of weight back when there were actually sax solos in pop songs. There hasn't been a decent, original saxophone solo in a Top 40 song since, I would guess, 1989.

What Instrument I Should Have Played: Bassoon, apparently. One time I performed at solo and ensemble content and that's actually what the judge wrote on my evaluation sheet: "You should be playing the bassoon." I had no idea how to take this remark.

ELISSA

Instrument: Oboe

What It Says About Her: Few oboists actually start out as oboists. Most start on the clarinet or another instrument and somehow find their way to the oboe a few years later. Elissa is an exception. She started directly on the oboe, a notoriously difficult instrument to play, in 4th grade. This might suggest that she loves challenges and always picks the most difficult road. And that would be exactly true of Elissa if not for the fact that it's not. In her case, I think it was more her crazy dad convincing her to play an out-of-the-way instrument just so, eight years later, she could get a college scholarship. I feel bad about this in retrospect.

What Instrument She Should Have Played: The triangle. Seriously, Elissa would rock the triangle like no other, um, trianglist has in history.

CHLOE

Instrument: Baritone horn

What It Says About Her: When the kids first start band, they attend a Meet the Instrument Night where they can explore each instrument up close and personal, and even try to make a sound out of it. I accompanied Chloe to this event, where once again I pushed for a less-popular instrument with the thought of a college scholarship or at least being a section of the band unto herself. Chloe is a person unto herself. She's unique. The choice of a big, low brass instrument just confirms that.

What Instrument She Should Have Played: Trumpet. No doubt about it, there's a trumpet player inside of Chloe. I should have pushed her in that direction. The trumpet is a featured instrument that often carries the melody. Chloe would have loved that. And she CAN actually play her sister's trumpet, not surprisingly. She also plays piano, harmonica, and probably the lute, for all I know.

JARED

Instrument: Saxophone

What It Says About Him: See the analysis of Jared's father above.

What Instrument He Should Have Played: Something for tall people. The kid is 6 feet tall in seventh grade. String bass, maybe?

MELANIE

Instrument: Trumpet

What It Says About Her: See, this is where the theory really breaks down. I tend to think of trumpet players as loud, flashy people. That's not Melanie. She's a relatively quiet, beautiful person (not that trumpet players aren't beautiful, mind you). But maybe she uses the trumpet to project or amplify her true self. As I've said before, being the fourth of five kids ain't an easy job, folks. The fact that Mel does so well in life is darn impressive to me. And the fact that she took up the trumpet and can actually play the thing is even more remarkable. I can't get a sound out of it.

What She Should Have Played: I would have bet large amounts of cash that Melanie would play the flute like her mother. But short of that, I can see her as a violinist, you know? Quiet, gorgeous and necessary.

JACK

What He Says He Wants to Play When He Gets Older: Drums

My Reaction to That: Oh, good Lord, no...