I admire you if you have the patience for poetry and opera

Some of my interests are of the kind that appeal only to a niche audience, to put it kindly.

Classical music is one of those. I will listen to an hour-long Mahler symphony and not even realize time has passed. I'll rip through a Beethoven string quartet while out running and be sad when it's finished.

So it's not like I don't have the attention span to appreciate fine art.

But even as an English major, I never could really get into poetry. And even as a fan of classical music, I still don't find myself getting along very well with opera.

Case in point: I've been reading the Lord of the Rings books lately, starting with "The Hobbit" and (as of this writing) currently nearly the conclusion of "The Fellowship of the Ring." These are long, dense novels, and I enjoy every minute of them.

Except when Tolkien goes off and throws a four-page poem in there. Then my eyes glaze over. I need the narrative to advance, not some navel-gazing verse extravaganza written long ago by an elf lord named Zipfindel or whatever.

As for opera, I have a few of the classics on CD, including "Carmen" and "Otello." And I try. I really try. But so far, nothing I've listened to grabs me the way Bach and Debussy do.

I listen to operas because, as someone who wants to do his small part to keep the classics alive in this day and age, I feel duty-bound to get through them.

I realize it's probably a matter of not truly understanding these two art forms and/or simply not having found the right poem or the right opera.

If anyone wants to be my mentor and throw out some "Beginner's Guide to..." suggestions on either medium, they will be most gratefully received.

5 things I should know how to do but never got around to learning

(1) HOW TO CHANGE MY OWN OIL
It isn't difficult, I know, and there are plenty of YouTube videos to answer my two most burning questions, which are (a) Where is the oil plug on my car? and (b) What do I do with the old oil? But I continue to pay 20 or 30 bucks a pop to have someone else change the oil on our cars. At some point I'll learn. Really.

(2) HOW TO WEAR A SCARF
Like a winter scarf, I mean, not one of those women's infinity scarves that we'll all look at someday in old photos and say, "Wow, that must have been 2014 or 2015 because I was wearing one of those scarves. Those things were huge! What were we thinking?" Anyway, given that the temperature is something like 5 degrees outside as I type this, this is a relevant question. I'm never sure whether you wrap it around your neck or just let it hang down or what. This should be obvious to me. It's not.

(3) HOW TO PROPERLY GRILL MEAT
This is one of those things that American men are supposed to know. And most do. But not me. When I grill, the meat comes out dry, burnt, or both. What am I missing?

(4) HOW TO APPRECIATE OPERA
I try! Seriously, I try. I love classical music, especially symphonic music and concertos. Listen to it all the time. But any time I tune into WCLV 104.9 FM, our local classical station to which I donate $5 a month (hey, it's something) on a Saturday morning or early afternoon, there's an Italian man yelling at me. Or at least that's how it seems to me. I have excellent recordings of "Otello" and "Carmen," but I have to struggle to get through them. Someday opera and I will be good friends. But as of  yet, it hasn't happened.

(5) HOW TO STOMACH WHISKEY OR ANY OTHER HARD LIQUOR
Oh man, that stuff is horrible. All of it. Don't tell me you have some excellent sipping whiskey or a great vodka or something because it all tastes like floor cleaner to me. Of course, I used to say that all wine tastes like vinegar and feet, and suddenly I find myself a wine drinker, so apparently taste buds change. But for now, keep the fancily bottled floor cleaner away from me.