Four Things That Mystify Me About Daughters

(1) Ponytail Holders
Well, not the ponytail holders themselves. I know what they're for. I'm just amazed at the quantity of them around the house, and the fact that they always, always, always end up on the floor. Not just the bathroom floor, any floor. I find them everywhere. Are my daughters randomly pulling these things out of their hair and just whipping them onto the floor regardless of where they are? I don't know, but I estimate that we own 14 trillion ponytail holders, and I have picked up each and every one at least once.

(2) They Know Things
This isn't just my daughters, it's women in general. They have secret knowledge they pass down to each other. Little girls do these intricate handclapping/rhyming games I can't begin to figure out. They know how to do things to their hair -- and to their friends' hair -- that escape me. They instinctively fold clothes better than I do. I don't understand any of it, and my wife won't tell me what the secret is. Mark my words, though, ladies...one of these days I'm going find out where you hold your meetings and I'm sneaking in through the back door. Then you'll be sorry!

(3) Their Capacity For Love...and Anger
I have two sons. They're simple to understand, in part because they have a very narrow range of emotions. Only with delicate scientific instruments can you successfully tell Angry Jared from Happy Jared. Their only real needs are food, water, shelter and video games. Rarely do they do anything unexpected. I like that. But my girls? I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to get from them day to day. Could be ectastic joy, could be fire-breathing rage. Could be both. Your guess is as good as mine. One of these days I'll do a post on the bizarre biological phenomenon known as menstrual synchrony, and those of you without female offspring will have a better idea of what I'm talking about.

(4) They Can Get Me To Do Anything For Them
I've been aware of this since March 24, 1994, the day Elissa was born. She came out of the womb, looked me right in the face, and with those sad, pleading, puppy dog eyes, asked me to buy her a car. And I did. (Well, not really, but I WOULD have.) People often talk about daughters having fathers wrapped around their little fingers, and oh believe me, it's true. It's the strongest of their powers, and they wisely keep it in reserve until they need it most. It's not that I never tell them "no," but when they really want something, they know how to get it from me. They may have learned this from their mother.


BONUS MATERIAL: Four things that mystify me about sons
Nothing. Nothing mystifies me about my sons. I told you, they're simple creatures and easy to understand. This could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. I'm thinking a little of both.