By any measure, I am not the intended or expected demographic for "Dark Blue," a song by the American rock band Jack's Mannequin.
When the song was released in 2005, I was a father of four with a fifth child on the way. It was understandably much more popular with 15-year-old girls at the time than with 36-year-old suburban dads.
Yet it's a tune that resonated with me then and still does today. And the reason is my daughter Elissa, who was 11 years old when "Dark Blue" came out.
I don't think Elissa got into bands like Jack's Mannequin until she was a little older, but at 11, she was clearly already on the path to teenagerhood. Her interests and attitudes were changing, and being our oldest, she was the first kid with whom we navigated that tumultuous period of adolescence.
One thing I remember from those days is that every time Elissa said or did something that was more "older kid" than "younger kid," my heart would hurt a little. You know your child is going to change and that she is inevitably going to experience the universal (and sometimes painful) process of maturation, but part of you clings to the time when she was young and innocent and strongly attached to you.
You want your child to grow and become independent, of course, but those sentimental links to early childhood are strong in parents. It's so hard to let go, even when you know you should.
I remember Elissa playing "Dark Blue" in the car when she was a young teen. Listening to the chorus of the song made me realize – painfully, abruptly – that the little toddler I used to dote upon was gone forever. The angsty, somewhat melodramatic teenage lyrics were a world apart from the songs with which she used to sing along as a 4-year-old watching "Barney."
Dark blue, dark blue, have you
Ever been alone in a crowded room?
Well, I'm here with you, I said
The world could be burning and burning down
Your children have to go through the same heartbreaks and trials you did if they're going to grow into well-adjusted adults, but you sometimes wish it didn't have to be that way.
It should be noted that Elissa got through her teenage years pretty well, all things considered, and is now one of the smartest, funniest, most passionate 30-year-olds you'll ever meet. Her siblings also grew up successfully with relatively few scars, visible or otherwise.
But when I hear "Dark Blue," my mind still goes back to the time when I was the father of little ones who hadn't yet experienced heartbreak. And I admittedly get a little misty.
It's a strange mix of sadness, sentimentality and pride in what they've each become. All wrapped up in a 20-year-old song.
