Uninformed opinions on five meaningless debates

Bagels vs. Doughnuts

I come down Team Bagel here, but only because in my mind bagels are generally healthier for you. Really, though, some bagels are so full of sugar and not-so-great stuff that this may be more of a toss-up than I realize. Still, I'll take a cinnamon raisin bagel any time you want to offer one.

Ford vs. Chevy

The reality is that I don't care. I'm not a car guy, and for the last several years I've driven only Hondas anyway. But I realize this is the eternal question for many Americans, particularly when you start talking about trucks and throw Dodge into the mix. Put me down as "undecided."

Beatles vs. Rolling Stones

I'll always pick the Beatles here, but I think of the Stones the way I think of Rush: I really should like them more than I do, and I probably would if I listened to more of their music. I just can't be bothered to do it, which suggests I'm getting old (or I'm already there).

Coffee vs. Tea

I'll take both, but I drink way, way more coffee. Like, a minimum of four cups a day, and usually it's five. I wish I could get myself into the green tea habit.

Ginger vs. Mary Ann

My wife looks way more like Mary Ann than Ginger, so my choice here is clear. This is the one in which I have the most confidence.

I am such a woman...

I have many skills and interests that you would identify as "masculine." I love hockey, football and boxing, all sports in which beating your opponent to a pulp (or at least smashing into him at a very high rate of speed) is key. When I shop, I do it with the goal of getting everything on my list as quickly as possible and getting out of the store. I will watch every episode of the Three Stooges twice over if you let me.

But there is also a side of me that my wife likes to make fun of. You can call it my feminine side, my inner woman or whatever, but with each passing day I am clearly becoming a female.

This occurred to me this morning when I was looking at the Christmas gifts my co-workers Lilia and Marcella gave me. I was sipping the orange spice tea from Lilia while trying to figure out the best time to burn the aromatherapy candle from Marcella.

Sipping tea. Planning to burn a scented candle. Seriously? Why didn't I just get a mani and a pedi while I was at it?

With each passing year, I find myself turning into a woman. There's the fact that the only people who ever hit on me are male (there have been long Facebook comment threads on this subject). And my penchant for movies on the Hallmark channel. And the stuff I find on my iPod: Spandau Ballet and Pet Shop Boys?!? Who put those on there? I did? Just shoot me now.

I can actually pinpoint the moment when it all started. It was eight or nine years ago when, for whatever reason, I was home on a weekday with Terry. I walked through the living room while she was watching "Regis & Kelly." I stopped, looked at the TV and casually said, "Oh look, Kelly changed her hair." My wife stared at me for a second and then said something to effect that I was clearly on my way to joining the other team.

It doesn't help that she's 10 times more mechanically minded than me. When something breaks in the house, most guys start wondering whether they have the right tools to fix it. I think to myself, "Oh man, I hope Terry can fix that." Usually she can. Or at least she knows when to hand it off to my very handy father-in-law, Tom, a saint of man who has earned my eternal gratitude 10 times over with the home repairs he does for us.

I do believe we'd all be better off if we got a little more in touch with whatever elements of the opposite gender we have within us. It's just that I've gone beyond getting in touch with my feminine side and have instead embraced and caressed it lovingly.

There's only one way around this. Tonight, I'm taking my son out for beers and a hockey game, after which we'll go shoot some wild animals and listen to death metal music for three hours. Maybe we'll have some tea afterward.