You marry a great cook, you reap the benefits (and sometimes endure the consequences)

My wife is an outstanding cook. She cranks out these amazing dinners day after day, year after year, and I have to remind myself never to take it for granted (yet, being human, I still do).

I've often said that having a spouse with this talent is a supremely mixed blessing. On one hand, good food, and the only thing I have to do to get it is the dishes. On the other hand, good food, which if you're not careful can mean high calorie intake, which in turn has you playing Santa Claus at the mall within a couple of years.

I do not blame Terry for the fact that my weight has yo-yo'ed somewhat over time. That's a product of my own habits and, frankly, laziness.

But sometimes I do think, if her food was consistently bad, I would probably be the size of an Olympic marathoner by now, which I realize is looking a gift horse square in the mouth.

She and I often laugh over the fact that she has made exactly one meal in our 29-year marriage that I didn't like. And as I'm always quick to point out, she didn't like it, either. It was an eggplant thing, and it probably wasn't that terrible, but it was such an anomaly that over time it has unjustly taken on the mantle of Worst Meal Ever.

When you're the one relatively bad apple in a huge orchard full of good apples, that's a bad rap you have to live with.

Don't worry, though. If God forbid something should happen to Terry, you'll be pleased to know that I make the meanest bowl of cereal you'll ever encounter. I distribute the cereal with extreme precision, I cover every bit of it through a refined milk-pouring technique, and I have an uncanny ability to hit the exact cereal-to-milk ratio every time.

So I'll be fine.

The world's greatest breakfast cereals - One man's (very well-informed) opinion

(NOTE: This is our monthly "Blog Rerun," in which I resurrect a post from the history of this blog that I like, for whatever reason. This one originally ran on February 17, 2012.)

My former News-Herald colleague Marty Gitlin recently co-authored and published "The Great American Cereal Book: How Breakfast Got Its Crunch." (You can buy a copy on Amazon, if you're interested.) Marty had talked about writing this book for years, and he finally did it.

I haven't yet read it, but I can personally guarantee that it's one of the greatest books in the history of the universe because it deals with one of the greatest food products in the history of the universe: cereal.

I consider myself something of an expert on cereal. Over my 42 years on this planet, I've just about tried 'em all, from King Vitamin and Quisp to Alpha-Bits and Cap'n Crunch. And you know what? They're all good. Seriously, I've never had a cereal I didn't like...and I include Grape Nuts and Fiber One in that statement.

Did you ever eat a bowl of Grape Nuts? Awesome taste, but they have the texture of scrap metal. Seriously, one serving of Grape Nuts has the potential to rip the inside of your mouth to shreds. But like I said, awesome taste, so the pain is worth it.

Still, Grape Nuts don't make my Top 5 All-Time List of the Best Cereals. Only the elite of the cereal world qualify for inclusion on my list, which is widely recognized as the definitive ranking by cereal connoisseurs the world over (NOTE: That's in no way true, but I thought it would sound good.)

So here, then, is my list of the greatest cereals, in reverse order. If you're an American of my generation, you'll probably disagree somewhat with this list, which is OK. You're entitled to be wrong...

(5) FROSTED FLAKES
There was this horrible period during the 1980s when many of my favorite childhood cereals decided it would be wise, from a marketing perspective, to drop the word "Sugar" from their names. When I was growing up, every cereal that was worth eating had the word "Sugar" in its name: Super Sugar Smacks, Sugar Crisp, Sugar Puffs, etc. And then of course there were Sugar Frosted Flakes. As Tony the Tiger told us, they're GRRRRRRRREAT! And they had sugar on them. Deal with it. Why did we suddenly decide to fool ourselves by dropping the sugar-themed names? Do you think the cereals themselves were any different? That the sugar suddenly disappeared and was replaced by wheat germ? We may have been hyperactive from our constant intake of corn syrup-based products, but we weren't dumb.

(4) LIFE CEREAL
You can't keep a box of Life in our house very long. Between me and the kids, it will be eaten in a matter of hours. Life Cereal is pure happiness packed into tiny squares. The commercial with that Mikey kid didn't hurt, either. One time (this is true) my parents went out of town for Easter weekend and left me home alone. I was 15 years old. Rather than stocking the fridge with food or giving me money to feed myself, my mom simply bought two grocery bags full of cereal – including a big box of Life – and put them out. I ripped through all but two boxes by Monday morning. I kid you not. That was one of the greatest weekends of my life.

(3) FROOT LOOPS
Let's be clear on the spelling here: It's F-R-O-O-T. If you thought they were F-R-U-I-T Loops, then you don't deserve to eat these tiny ringlets of delight. One of the pleasures of cereal is drinking the milk that's left in the bowl when the cereal itself is gone. A lot of people will tell you that the chocolatey goodness left in the wake of Cocoa Puffs is the best post-cereal milk. Don't believe them. Try some Froot Loop-flavored milk and then make up your mind.

(2) FROSTED MINI-WHEATS
When I was growing up, my mom would often fix me a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats by breaking each Mini-Wheat into two pieces. I never questioned this practice until I had a bowl of pure, unbroken Mini-Wheats. I can't explain why, but keeping the Mini-Wheats intact enhances the flavor potential exponentially. (I realize that makes no sense. Just go with it.) The problem with Frosted Mini-Wheats is that I can easily – EASILY – eat a whole box in one sitting if I'm not careful. If Life Cereal goes fast in our house, then Frosted Mini-Wheats disappear almost instantly. And it's always my fault.

(1) RAISIN BRAN
I know Raisin Bran is on almost nobody's list of top cereals, but it is a clear-cut #1 on mine. To say I love Raisin Bran is to engage in gross understatement. I get almost teary-eyed with joy whenever Terry buys a box. And to be specific, I'm talking about two-scoops-of-raisins-in-every-box Kellogg's Raisin Bran, not that Post or (worse yet) generic stuff. It has to be Kellogg's. The raisins are plump and plentiful, and the bran flakes are crisp and flavorful. But like anything awesome, you can have too much of a good thing. Bran and raisins both have certain, um, bowel-related effects that can be nasty. When I was younger, this wasn't a problem. Now that I'm in my 40s, I can't have more than one bowl at a time. That's just the way it is. If I go for that second bowl, horrible things happen, my friends. Things of which it's not polite to speak in any sort of mixed company. Let's just leave it at that.

Here are the new rules...please follow them

You're probably not aware of this, but I have been elected Household Living Czar of the United States. You don't need to concern yourself with how this came to pass. Suffice it to say that I have been invested with the power to dictate certain rules and regulations governing the way Americans should live their daily lives.

Henceforth, the following decrees shall be in effect for all citizens of this great nation (NOTE TO KERRI JONES: Please feel free to adopt these in Australia as you see fit):

1. Toilet paper shall be hung OVER, not under: There will be no exceptions to this rule. How this "under" nonsense even got started is beyond me. Violators will be sentenced to watching a three-day, nonstop "Jersey Shore" marathon.

2. Fathers will cast the tiebreaking vote when the family reaches an impasse in movie selection: Family Movie Nights are ruined when you can't come to some agreement on which movie to watch. Much like the Vice President in the Senate, the father now has authority to break the tie and make the final choice. End of story. If you don't like what Dad picks, your only other option is to go and clean one of the bathrooms in the house (Mom will select which bathroom).

3. If something doesn't fit into the cupboard, take the time to make it fit: We keep our cereal in a cabinet over the stove. The way we have this cabinet set up, you can comfortably store three, maybe four boxes of cereal. Oftentimes, some denizens of the house who shall remain nameless but are NOT me or my wife will try to jam in a fifth or even sixth box of cereal. They are satisfied if the extra box stays up there without falling back out, even if it means that it's protruding six inches out of the cabinet and the door won't close. This is unacceptable. It is beyond unacceptable. Either rearrange the contents of the cabinet such that your cereal will fit in there, or take the unnecessary box out and put it back into the basement. One or the other. Penalty for failure to comply is that we'll stuff YOU into the cereal cabinet.

4. Water stays in the shower or gets cleaned up: This isn't difficult. If you take a shower and water somehow gets onto the bathroom floor, clean it up. And then pick the wet towels up off the floor and dispose of them properly. That's it. That's all you have to do. I can draw you a diagram with detailed instructions, if it will help.

5. Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off! TURN THE LIGHTS OFF!: My children are quite clearly aware that light switches can be used to illuminate a room. Just flip the switch up and, presto, you have light! It's really quite the invention. But I have failed to teach them that the switch is, in fact, bidirectional. If you push it down, the lights go off. Amazing, I know! As far as my kids know, a light switch only needs to be used once, and then you should keep it on forever.

6. All family members must learn the function of coat hooks: When we added a mud room onto our house, we had these really nice cubbies and coat hooks installed to store everyone's jackets, shoes, school supplies, etc. In an attempt not to wear the coat hooks out, apparently, certain members of my family elect not to use them, opting instead for the increasingly popular Throw It On the Floor method of garment storage. No. Just, no.

7. Everyone is to gain an understanding of how refrigerators work: Two important things to remember - (a) The refrigerator does not spontaneously produce food every time you open the door. What was in there five minutes ago is what's in there now. No need to check again. (b) The refrigerator refrigerates food. That means it keeps it cold. It operates much more efficiently when the refrigerator door is in the closed position and the cold air inside is not allowed to escape. A minor and perhaps obvious point, but one that still clearly needs to be made in 95% of American households.

8. Practice the basic elements of HVAC economics: Why yes, I suppose we COULD turn on the central air since you're feeling a touch warm. OR....and I know this is crazy....you could simply open a window, which as it turns out is free. Or change into a short-sleeved shirt (also free). The air conditioning system, sadly, is not free. "Free" always trumps "not free."

9. I don't need to see your used toothpaste: You're brushing your teeth. That's good. Over the years I think we've managed to buy our kids' dentist a boat and two summer homes on Cape Cod. But when you're finished brushing, the idea is to spit the toothpaste into the sink and make sure every molecule of it goes down the drain. If you simply spit randomly into the sink and walk away, the next morning there will be a wall of disgusting dried toothpaste in the sink. And nobody wants to see that. Not even me, the guy who cleaned a variety of horrible bodily emissions off of you for the first 2-3 years of your life.

10. If you ask for it, eat it: "Mommy, can I have some pancakes?" "Sure, honey. I'll get you some." Mommy fixes the pancakes and serves them to the requesting child. "There you go, three pancakes just the way you like them!" "Oh. Uh, I don't think I really want them. I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought." Five minutes later, Mommy is flipping through the Yellow Pages looking for an attorney to represent her in her upcoming trial for assault and battery on a minor.

The world's greatest breakfast cereals: One man's (very well-informed) opinion

My former News-Herald colleague Marty Gitlin recently co-authored and published "The Great American Cereal Book: How Breakfast Got Its Crunch." (You can buy a copy on Amazon, if you're interested.) Marty had talked about writing this book for years, and he finally did it.

I haven't yet read it, but I can personally guarantee that it's one of the greatest books in the history of the universe because it deals with one of the greatest food products in the history of the universe: cereal.

I consider myself something of an expert on cereal. Over my 42 years on this planet, I've just about tried 'em all, from King Vitamin and Quisp to Alpha-Bits and Cap'n Crunch. And you know what? They're all good. Seriously, I've never had a cereal I didn't like...and I include Grape Nuts and Fiber One in that statement.

Did you ever eat a bowl of Grape Nuts? Awesome taste, but they have the texture of scrap metal. Seriously, one serving of Grape Nuts has the potential to rip the inside of your mouth to shreds. But like I said, awesome taste, so the pain is worth it.

Still, Grape Nuts don't make my Top 5 All-Time List of the Best Cereals. Only the elite of the cereal world qualify for inclusion on my list, which is widely recognized as the definitive ranking by cereal connoisseurs the world over (NOTE: That's in no way true, but I thought it would sound good.)

So here, then, is my list of the greatest cereals, in reverse order. If you're an American of my generation, you'll probably disagree somewhat with this list, which is OK. You're entitled to be wrong...and if your list differs from mine, then rest assured, you ARE wrong.

(5) FROSTED FLAKES
There was this horrible period during the 1980s when many of my favorite childhood cereals decided it would be wise, from a marketing perspective, to drop the word "Sugar" from their names. When I was growing up, every cereal that was worth eating had the word "Sugar" in its name: Super Sugar Smacks, Sugar Crisp, Sugar Puffs, etc. And then of course there were Sugar Frosted Flakes. As Tony the Tiger told us, they're GRRRRRRRREAT! And they had sugar on them. Deal with it. Why did we suddenly decide to fool ourselves by dropping the sugar-themed names? Do you think the cereals themselves were any different? That the sugar suddenly disappeared and was replaced by wheat germ? We may have been hyperactive from our constant intake of corn syrup-based products, but we weren't dumb.

(4) LIFE CEREAL
You can't keep a box of Life in our house very long. Between me and the kids, it will be eaten in a matter of hours. Life Cereal is pure happiness packed into tiny squares. The commercial with that Mikey kid didn't hurt, either. One time (this is true) my parents went out of town for Easter weekend and left me home alone. I was 15 years old. Rather than stocking the fridge with food or giving me money to feed myself, my mom simply bought two grocery bags full of cereal – including a big box of Life – and put them out. I ripped through all but two boxes by Monday morning. I kid you not. That was one of the greatest weekends of my life.

(3) FROOT LOOPS
Let's be clear on the spelling here: It's F-R-O-O-T. If you thought they were F-R-U-I-T Loops, then you don't deserve to eat these tiny ringlets of delight. One of the pleasures of cereal is drinking the milk that's left in the bowl when the cereal itself is gone. A lot of people will tell you that the chocolatey goodness left in the wake of Cocoa Puffs is the best post-cereal milk. Don't believe them. Try some Froot Loop-flavored milk and then make up your mind.

(2) FROSTED MINI-WHEATS
When I was growing up, my mom would often fix me a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats by breaking each Mini-Wheat into two pieces. I never questioned this practice until I had a bowl of pure, unbroken Mini-Wheats. I can't explain why, but keeping the Mini-Wheats intact enhances the flavor potential exponentially. (I realize that makes no sense. Just go with it.) The problem with Frosted Mini-Wheats is that I can easily – EASILY – eat a whole box in one sitting if I'm not careful. If Life Cereal goes fast in our house, then Frosted Mini-Wheats disappear almost instantly. And it's always my fault.

(1) RAISIN BRAN
I know Raisin Bran is on almost nobody's list of top cereals, but it is a clear-cut #1 on mine. To say I love Raisin Bran is to engage in gross understatement. I get almost teary-eyed with joy whenever Terry buys a box. And to be specific, I'm talking about two-scoops-of-raisins-in-every-box Kellogg's Raisin Bran, not that Post or (worse yet) generic stuff. It has to be Kellogg's. The raisins are plump and plentiful, and the bran flakes are crisp and flavorful. But like anything awesome, you can have too much of a good thing. Bran and raisins both have certain, um, bowel-related effects that can be nasty. When I was younger, this wasn't a problem. Now that I'm in my 40s, I can't have more than one bowl at a time. That's just the way it is. If I go for that second bowl, horrible things happen, my friends. Things of which it's not polite to speak in any sort of mixed company. Let's just leave it at that.