I can't remember the last time I took a bath

Right up front, let's clarify that headline. It's not that I can't remember the last time I bathed. It's that I can't remember the last time I took a bath.

I am not only a shower guy, I'm a hardcore, twice-a-day shower guy. I shower 700+ times a year, which dermatologists and others will probably tell you is not the best habit in the world, but it's a well-established routine from which I'll likely never deviate.

When we redid our master bathroom this past spring, it included the installation of a bathtub, much to Terry's delight. She enjoys (and deserves) the occasional bath, so it was mainly for her.

I could take a bath in it, I suppose, but I don't know. I would honestly feel a little silly...like a 7-year-old in a 51-year-old man's body.

For one thing, as much as I like to be clean, I like to be clean in a hurry. I'm in and out of the shower in 3 minutes or so. Baths involve running the water, maybe adding some sort of soap or bath oil or whatever, and only then cleaning yourself.

They also involve sitting in the midst of anything you've just washed off yourself, but we won't get into that.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to this: As much as I welcome many challenges to traditional gender roles, the fact is that a bath just isn't that, well, manly. No offense to you guys who regularly engage in the bath lifestyle, but it just isn't.

So I'm going to leave the baths to my wife, who is probably better equipped to enjoy bubbles and bath bombs and that sort of thing than I am.

To make up for it, maybe I'll treat myself to a 4-minute shower sometime this week. Oh, the indulgence!

I take a lot of showers, and they're all the same

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I take more than 700 showers every year. If you were to videotape a random sampling of, say, 20 of these showers, you would be amazed by one thing.

(NOTE: OK, stop right there. At this point I could be going in a number of directions with this, most of them not very nice. Rest assured, though, that that lead paragraph was written with the best of intentions. Read on...)

What you would find is that all of my showers are identical. And when I say "identical," I mean it. Every time I step into the shower, I do the same things in the same order. Every. Time. I'll bet my showers are essentially the same length, probably all within 15 seconds or so of each other.

I don't do this intentionally, mind you. It's just that after thousands and thousands of showers over the years, I've developed a system that works for me: Wash my hair, rinse, grab the soap and work from top to bottom starting at the neck, rinse, wash my face using whatever face wash stuff I happen to have, rinse yet again. Turn off water. Grab towel, dry off. Move on from there.

I do not deviate from this pattern. Is that weird? I'm guessing it's actually pretty common. I'll bet most of us have a bathing routine that rarely changes, whether we realize it or not.

I also put on my clothes in the same order every day, but again, I would venture that you do, too.

Or am I just trying to make myself feel better about being an obsessive-compulsive freak?

Here are the new rules...please follow them

You're probably not aware of this, but I have been elected Household Living Czar of the United States. You don't need to concern yourself with how this came to pass. Suffice it to say that I have been invested with the power to dictate certain rules and regulations governing the way Americans should live their daily lives.

Henceforth, the following decrees shall be in effect for all citizens of this great nation (NOTE TO KERRI JONES: Please feel free to adopt these in Australia as you see fit):

1. Toilet paper shall be hung OVER, not under: There will be no exceptions to this rule. How this "under" nonsense even got started is beyond me. Violators will be sentenced to watching a three-day, nonstop "Jersey Shore" marathon.

2. Fathers will cast the tiebreaking vote when the family reaches an impasse in movie selection: Family Movie Nights are ruined when you can't come to some agreement on which movie to watch. Much like the Vice President in the Senate, the father now has authority to break the tie and make the final choice. End of story. If you don't like what Dad picks, your only other option is to go and clean one of the bathrooms in the house (Mom will select which bathroom).

3. If something doesn't fit into the cupboard, take the time to make it fit: We keep our cereal in a cabinet over the stove. The way we have this cabinet set up, you can comfortably store three, maybe four boxes of cereal. Oftentimes, some denizens of the house who shall remain nameless but are NOT me or my wife will try to jam in a fifth or even sixth box of cereal. They are satisfied if the extra box stays up there without falling back out, even if it means that it's protruding six inches out of the cabinet and the door won't close. This is unacceptable. It is beyond unacceptable. Either rearrange the contents of the cabinet such that your cereal will fit in there, or take the unnecessary box out and put it back into the basement. One or the other. Penalty for failure to comply is that we'll stuff YOU into the cereal cabinet.

4. Water stays in the shower or gets cleaned up: This isn't difficult. If you take a shower and water somehow gets onto the bathroom floor, clean it up. And then pick the wet towels up off the floor and dispose of them properly. That's it. That's all you have to do. I can draw you a diagram with detailed instructions, if it will help.

5. Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off! TURN THE LIGHTS OFF!: My children are quite clearly aware that light switches can be used to illuminate a room. Just flip the switch up and, presto, you have light! It's really quite the invention. But I have failed to teach them that the switch is, in fact, bidirectional. If you push it down, the lights go off. Amazing, I know! As far as my kids know, a light switch only needs to be used once, and then you should keep it on forever.

6. All family members must learn the function of coat hooks: When we added a mud room onto our house, we had these really nice cubbies and coat hooks installed to store everyone's jackets, shoes, school supplies, etc. In an attempt not to wear the coat hooks out, apparently, certain members of my family elect not to use them, opting instead for the increasingly popular Throw It On the Floor method of garment storage. No. Just, no.

7. Everyone is to gain an understanding of how refrigerators work: Two important things to remember - (a) The refrigerator does not spontaneously produce food every time you open the door. What was in there five minutes ago is what's in there now. No need to check again. (b) The refrigerator refrigerates food. That means it keeps it cold. It operates much more efficiently when the refrigerator door is in the closed position and the cold air inside is not allowed to escape. A minor and perhaps obvious point, but one that still clearly needs to be made in 95% of American households.

8. Practice the basic elements of HVAC economics: Why yes, I suppose we COULD turn on the central air since you're feeling a touch warm. OR....and I know this is crazy....you could simply open a window, which as it turns out is free. Or change into a short-sleeved shirt (also free). The air conditioning system, sadly, is not free. "Free" always trumps "not free."

9. I don't need to see your used toothpaste: You're brushing your teeth. That's good. Over the years I think we've managed to buy our kids' dentist a boat and two summer homes on Cape Cod. But when you're finished brushing, the idea is to spit the toothpaste into the sink and make sure every molecule of it goes down the drain. If you simply spit randomly into the sink and walk away, the next morning there will be a wall of disgusting dried toothpaste in the sink. And nobody wants to see that. Not even me, the guy who cleaned a variety of horrible bodily emissions off of you for the first 2-3 years of your life.

10. If you ask for it, eat it: "Mommy, can I have some pancakes?" "Sure, honey. I'll get you some." Mommy fixes the pancakes and serves them to the requesting child. "There you go, three pancakes just the way you like them!" "Oh. Uh, I don't think I really want them. I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought." Five minutes later, Mommy is flipping through the Yellow Pages looking for an attorney to represent her in her upcoming trial for assault and battery on a minor.