Learning to go to bed on my own

For 32 years, I have been sleeping next to my wife.

When we were first married, we had a queen-sized bed, which meant we were fairly close to each other every night.

Then, when we moved into our current home in 2003, we bought a king-sized bed, which afforded us acres and acres of personal space in which to stretch out as we dozed off.

But we still went to bed at the same time, even if it meant we were no longer right next to each other.

This is the point, though, where Terry and I differ. If she is tired, she can climb into that bed by herself and fall more or less immediately to sleep.

I, on the other hand, have a really hard time falling asleep if she's not there.

More specifically, if I know she's in the living room watching TV, I will lay there with my eyes wide open until she comes into the room and turns in for the night.

I cannot, for whatever reason, easily get to sleep unless she's there.

This generally hasn't been a problem except when I need to get up early the next day, and therefore need to get to bed early the previous evening.

An early wake-up time for me is 5am. That's when I get up on days I work out at the gym, and it requires me to fall asleep at or before 10pm the previous night if I'm going to get enough rest.

Terry prefers to go to bed somewhat later than 10 o'clock (sometimes later than 11 o'clock), which leaves me in somewhat of a conundrum.

Either I learn to fall asleep without her there, or I drag my way tired and sleep-deprived through the next day.

So far, try as I might, "tired and sleep-deprived" appears to be winning.

I can't explain why I need to have my wife there if I'm going to sleep. I just do, and the harder I try to overcome it, the worse it is.

Rather than forcing Terry to turn in well before she's ready, I'm thinking what I need is a life-sized Terry robot next to me in the bed. It will be programmed to kiss me goodnight, then turn over and go to sleep like Terry does.

I would also like it to say "Yes, honey, of course you're right" in response to anything I say, but maybe that's asking too much.

Four reasons you should have kids

You will learn a love you didn't even know existed

It's different from the way you love your spouse. Not better, not more intense, just different. Your care and concern for these little humans will be, at times, all-consuming. You think you understand this love before you become a parent, but you don't. It starts the minute that child is born and continues on forever. That's a good thing, because there will also be times when you want to kill the little brat (which, it turns out, is illegal in most states).

Two words: Tax deduction

I hate to be so blunt about it, but man, having five kids definitely has its tax advantages. Our tax code is written in a way that encourages you to procreate. So go ahead and Dugger it up! That tax refund check will be huge! Of course, you'll blow the whole thing on diapers and sippy cups, but the folks at Costco will love to see you coming.

Men only: Free food in the maternity ward refrigerator

I believe it's the policy in most hospitals (at least it was in the two hospitals where my kids were born) to provide a refrigerator stocked with food and drink for expectant fathers to consume while their wives are in labor. All of this stuff is absolutely free. I'm all about free stuff, especially edible free stuff. But you must remember to down it all before you get back to your wife's room. She can't eat while in labor, and she will despise you if she sees food. And pregnant women have superhuman strength. You don't want to mess with them.

You can perform incredible feats of sleep deprivation!

This doesn't necessarily apply to all parents. Some people have babies who sleep through the night right from the get-go. Our first few babies were like this, and I often wondered, "What exactly is it that people always complain about when it comes to babies? They sleep at night just like us. Piece of cake!" Then Melanie came along and she took a good 18 months to sleep through the wee hours consistently. And Jack had his share of problems mastering this skill, as well. It's not fun. BUT...you find yourself accomplishing stuff on 45 minutes of sleep you never thought possible. There's a certain sense of grim pride in this. Trust me, you'll learn to embrace it.