Celebrating all things French today (except French fries, which aren't French anyway)

Today is Bastille Day. I'm always reminded that, on this day in 1989, my friend Kevin and I went to our high school French teacher's house unannounced and drank wine with her in celebration of the holiday.

I give Madame Whitehorn credit for being so gracious to us. She was under no obligation to invite two former students (who showed up unexpectedly on her doorstep) into her home on a mid-summer Friday morning.

Yet she did, and she remains one of my favorite teachers ever.

As I've mentioned, I took 14 years of French classes between the Wickliffe City Schools and John Carroll University, so I have a deep interest in French language and culture. It also doesn't hurt that, as a First World War buff, I have a relatively detailed knowledge of the geography of Northeastern France, where so many battles were fought.

By the way, contrary to what you may think you know about France's military history, the French army was a tough out in WW1. The Germans had deep respect for their tenacity and fighting capacity.

I've visited France twice, and both times I was in Paris. I've only scratched the surface of things to see and do there, but I do also someday hope to make it "en province," as they say, and experience some of the non-Parisian parts of the country.

The closest most Ohioans get to all things French is visiting some part of Francophone Canada. I have been to Montreal four times, and while it's lovely, it's not the real thing.

Nor should it be. It is a wonderful city with a mystique and culture all its own.

French people have a reputation for being rude and snooty, and I'm sure many are (just as many Americans are). But in the combined four days I've spent in France, the people I met were nothing but kind and gracious.

That includes the French woman whose job it apparently was to stand in the men's room while I peed at the Gare de Nord train station in 1999. I don't know if she kept any notes on customer behavior, but if she did, I'm sure she noted my exceptional cleanliness and respect for French urinals.

I have zero attention span, and my smart phone is to blame

Actually, I'm to blame. But I would rather ascribe my complete inability to concentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds at a time on my Galaxy S4 device.

Smart phones are awesome, aren't they? They give us instant access to information, social connection (in a fashion) and entertainment, and we can carry all of that processing power around in our pockets.

But my Galaxy is SO awesome that I've become addicted to it. And I'm not even kidding. I am unable to just sit and do nothing. If I'm stopped at a traffic light, for example, I instinctively grab for my phone. Maybe an email has arrived in the 17 seconds since I last checked it, AND I MUST ANSWER IT RIGHT NOW.

This inability to just be, to just exist, is alarming. Must I be constantly stimulated? Must I be made aware of every news story, big and small, in the 60 seconds after it happens? Must I finish that game of online cribbage before proceeding through the intersection?

Apparently the answers are yes, yes, and most certainly yes.

That last point bears some explanation. I have a cribbage app on my phone that I play constantly. Like, all the time. According to the statistics the app maintains, I have played 2,955 games of electronic cribbage since I bought this phone in October 2013. That's an average of nearly seven games every day. Every. Day. Seven games. Of virtual cribbage.

I shouldn't even mention this, but I'll tell you that many of those games have been played while standing at the urinal at work. And suffice it to say that I'm very good at multi-tasking in these instances, if you catch my drift.

Why? Why can't I just do the one thing for which the urinal is designed, wash my hands and walk out of the bathroom without also engaging in a simultaneous game of cribbage? Or checking my email? Or crushing some poor sap in Trivia Crack? Why?

I don't know the answer. All I know is that in the past year or two, I've lost the ability to be still. I must constantly be doing something. Just sitting and thinking? That's for analog losers. I will be productive and/or entertained during all waking moments. Welcome to the 21st century, ladies and gentlemen!

This, by the way, is why so many of us panic when our phone batteries start running low. "My phone is dying! My phone is dying! Somebody get me a charger and a wall outlet, STAT! MY PHONE IS DYING!" We're addicts, plain and simple.

Did you ever see that movie "Wall-E," which portrays a future in which people no longer walk around or even stand? Instead, they sit on floating platforms and spend their days eating and staring at holographic computer screens. I'm already well on my way to that type of existence.

By the time the Galaxy S7 comes out, I'll weigh 550 pounds and will be confined to my room. But man, there's no doubt I'll also be the online cribbage champion of the world. And there's something to be said for that.