Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Flying without a license

I'm finding that I accidentally leave my zipper down all the time these days.

Not just, say, once every few months. But all the time.

I'll look in a mirror and everything will seem to be reasonably OK (as "reasonably OK" as my appearance gets at this point), except my fly will be down.

Why is this? What's happening to me?

Two theories:

(1) Mental decline (see yesterday's post about impending brain death)

(2) Weight loss

I've been doing the Weight Watchers thing for a little more than four months now, and the results have been excellent. I feel great.

One of the byproducts of significant weight loss is, of course, that your clothes no longer fit. I have an array of pants with waist sizes a good 2 to 4 inches larger than what they need to be.

That may not sound like much, but even a couple of inches can make you look like a NutriSystem "before" photo when it comes to pants.

So I have all of these big pants. I'll put on a pair and button them, and then immediately I'll go to a mirror to see if they look too big or baggy. I'll pull the waist out (again, like a "before" picture) and stand sideways while looking at myself at the mirror, thinking "I really need to go out and buy some new pants."

It takes me 20 to 30 seconds to go through this ritual, and by the time I finish it, I'm on to the next thing. Putting on my shirt or whatever. Well, actually, no. Pants are always last in my daily dressing routine. Do you do that? Put your clothes on in the same order every day? I do. And I always will. Don't judge me.

Anyway, I move on, and I forget that all I've done is snapped up the pants. I've not actually zipped them. So I walk around like a doofus, which while not an entirely unnatural state for me is still not a desirable one.

And then later, say when I have to go to the bathroom, I discover that I've been walking around with a security breach at Los Pantalones.

That's embarrassing.

By the way, I never realized there are so many ways to say "your zipper is down" until a few seconds ago. The list includes:

  • You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  • XYZ (Examine Your Zipper).
  • Mind the gap (for our British friends).
  • Your barn door is open.
  • You've got Windows on your laptop (a personal favorite).
How many people notice that my zipper is down and don't say anything? I'm hoping the answer is "none" and that I'm blowing this problem out of proportion. But there's a part of me that knows everyone notices and you're all laughing at me.

And I thought we were friends.

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