Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Five people who worry me

1. Abe Vigoda: He's still alive. I would have bet my house that he was long deceased. Yet Mr. Vigoda ("Fish" of Barney Miller fame) is still with us at age 92. It's not so much that I'm worried he's going to die. It's that I'm worried he's NOT going to die. That somehow he has developed superhuman longevity and will live for hundreds of years more, just waiting for the sweet sleep of death finally to overcome him. I would hate for him to have to exist like that.

2. The guy who decided the Kardashians should be famous: I don't blame the family for being so maddeningly overexposed. I blame the publicist who made it happen. One day we're going to find out who he is. And pardon my French, but there will be heck to pay. Oh yes, there will be heck to pay...

3. Anne Hathaway: We've covered this topic previously.

4. My lawn guy: I've had the same lawn guy (Bob) for more than 20 years. Several times a year, he comes by, applies a variety of fertilizers and chemicals to my lawn, charges me a pittance, and gives me written instructions on what specifically I should do to take care of the grass. And I do almost none of it. He says to mow on the highest setting, I mow it down like a putting green. He tells us to water the lawn, and we haven't done that (literally, I think) since 1998. I'm worried my noncompliance will eventually lead to an aneurysm on his part. It has to be frustrating. I'm sorry in advance, Bob.

5. Billy Joel: When Billy Joel was cranking out hit songs in the 70s and 80s, I think we all sort of thought of him as pleasant and harmless. Then he got into a series of car crashes in which alcohol may or may not have been involved, but you'd be pretty surprised if it wasn't. And then he peed in a bar with no toilet around. And then a few weeks ago his daughter's stalker was found naked in the woods, which while not an indictment of Billy himself, is still indicative of the craziness that suddenly surrounds him. I just want my happy little Piano Man back. Is that too much to ask?


  1. Did you happen to see this grantland article about Joel a few weeks ago?

  2. No, but that was an outstanding piece! I really need to keep up with Grantland. Thanks for posting, Rick.

  3. The pronouns in #2 are wildly inaccurate. Kris Jenner birthed five relatively average women and with several extremely strategic moves and the cunning intelligence of a fox goddess, built an empire. The devil works hard but Kris Jenner works harder.