My conversation with the protein muffin in the refrigerator

ME (opening fridge door): Hey.

MUFFIN: Hey.

ME: So I'm probably going to eat you.

MUFFIN: What?

ME: I'm probably going to eat you. You look delicious. Thought you should know.

MUFFIN: You can't do that.

ME: Why?

MUFFIN: Because Terry made these muffins for herself. You're not allowed to eat us.

ME: Says who?

MUFFIN: Says your wife. She even told you that when you asked whether the muffins were fair game.

ME: Doesn't seem right.

MUFFIN: What doesn't seem right?

ME: Her eating all the muffins.

MUFFIN: But we're her muffins. She made us, put us in little containers, and placed us in the upper right corner of the fridge with the other Terry-only food.

ME: I just want one muffin. There are six of you. She won't miss it.

MUFFIN: She will miss it. Nothing escapes her. You know this.

ME: I just feel like anything she makes and puts in the fridge should be available to all of us.

MUFFIN: And that's how it works 99% of the time. For all the incredible meals she has made for the family over the years, being able to reserve 1% of the food for herself isn't asking much.

ME: Well, I paid for the ingredients. I should be entitled to at least one muffin.

MUFFIN: That's not necessarily true. What if she used the cash she makes at the library to buy those ingredients?

ME: It's impossible to say. It all goes into the same bank account, so you can't know whether it was "her" money that bought those ingredients.

MUFFIN: Nor can you know whether it was "yours." The point is, let her have her muffins.

ME: But you look delicious. And I'm hungry for some sweet carb-y goodness.

MUFFIN: What happens every time you eat something she wants for herself or that she's saving to use in a recipe?

ME: When have I ever done that?

MUFFIN: The chocolate chips, the block of Swiss cheese, the muesli cereal, countless restaurant leftovers. Shall I go on?

ME: No.

MUFFIN: Should you have eaten those things?

ME: No.

MUFFIN: And when you did, was she happy?

ME (cringing as I recall each incident): No.

MUFFIN: Back away from the fridge and find another snack, Hamburglar. We're hers.

ME: Just one muffin?

MUFFIN: No.

ME: How about half a muffin?

MUFFIN: No.

ME: One bite?

MUFFIN: NO! Taking a bite out of a muffin and leaving the rest in the fridge is going to make her madder than if you had taken a whole muffin. Now go away.

ME (resigned): OK.

MUFFIN: I'm glad you're finally listening to reason.

ME: Do you think it's OK if I only eat half the block of Swiss cheese and leave her the rest?