I would die if I tried reading while walking

A couple of years ago, I posted here about the neighborhood characters I regularly encounter on my morning walks. The lineup included Hound Dog Guy, Nightgown Woman and Relentlessly Waddling Lady.

I still see Hound Dog Guy with some frequency, but I'm not sure if the latter two are on a different schedule or what. I don't run across them anymore.

Recently I added a fascinating new character to the list. I call her Reading While Walking Woman, and while that's not her in the photo (she's not that well dressed, though who is at 6 in the morning?), the image pretty well illustrates her M.O.

Whenever I see her, RWW Woman is holding a book in one hand while swinging her other arm and moving along at a pretty fast clip. She sticks to the sidewalk, from what I can tell, and I assume she pauses from reading whenever she comes to an intersection.

Still, that doesn't account for uneven pavement or small-but-potentially-dangerous objects in her path she might easily miss. It also assumes a level of coordination I'm not sure I possess.

I like books and I like walking, so I combine the two by listening to audiobooks while I'm out and about. This frees my eyes to watch out for cars, skunks, skittish deer and other hazards of the early morning walking trade.

If I were to hold a book in front of my face while walking at a 13-minute mile pace, I would have about a 50% chance of falling every time out. I would either trip over something or simply lose my sense of balance while trying to concentrate on Sydney Carton's thoughts as he goes bravely to the guillotine at the end of A Tale of Two Cities.

If I was lucky, it would happen in a relatively flat area of my walking route and I wouldn't be too much the worse for wear. In reality, it would probably happen near the bottom of Miller Avenue and I would tumble over the small guardrail into the ravine far below, likely never to be heard from again.

I am at once amazed and baffled by Reading While Walking Woman. She never seems to have any external injuries, so it appears she has somewhat mastered her craft.

Or maybe she is just one slip and fall away from becoming a gruesome front-page headline in the next day's News-Herald.

These are the characters I encounter on my morning walks

I walk almost every morning, and I always do it along one of six or so predetermined routes. This is my routine, and as a consequence, I often intersect with others who have their own routines.

Back when we lived on East 300th Street, the person I most frequently came across was Cologne Guy. He was an older gentlemen who took a brisk daily walk along Route 84. We would exchange friendly hellos, and as I ran past him (I was running back then), I would always get a sniff of his English Leather cologne. It was not unpleasant, but I never understood why he made himself so fragrant before going out on a walk.

In more recent years I've often seen Relentlessly Waddling Lady. She is not a fast walker, but she is a persistent one. She is also very nice. I don't see her much in winter, though.

There is also Hound Dog Guy, and here I find myself a bit confused. Hound Dog Guy walks his dog a lot, though it turns out the dog is actually a beagle mix. At one point my family and I thought it was a hound dog, but even after we got some clarity on the breed, the Hound Dog Guy moniker was too well established to discard.

Anyway, I see Hound Dog Guy quite a bit, but I also regularly see a guy walking around my neighborhood without a dog, and I honestly don't know whether it's Hound Dog Guy without his dog or another man altogether who just happens to look like Hound Dog Guy. This has gone on for years and I still can't say for sure whether this is one man or two men who look alike.

Farther down my street is Nightgown Woman, though I only see her if I get up later than normal, as she tends to walk a bit later in the morning. In the summer she wears her nightgown while she walks. Really. I think she just wakes up, gets out of bed, and heads straight out the door to walk, appearances be damned.

One of the most enigmatic figures is Walking Jewish Lady. I don't say this to be disparaging in any way. She gets her name from the fact that I'm fairly certain she is one of the Orthodox Jewish people who live on the west end of Wickliffe. She wears a head covering that almost looks like a nun's habit, and she always walks in a skirt or dress.

And she walks a lot. I see her all over the place and I know she recognizes me. At most, though, my friendly "good morning" is met with a slight smile from her and never any sort of verbal reply. This could be a cultural/religious thing (not talking to a strange man), and she certainly is not rude about it. In any case, she is an impressive walker.

Lately I've seen Small Running Girl quite a bit, though I shouldn't call her "girl" in that she is clearly not a girl, but rather a young woman. It's just that I use "Lady" and "Woman" in a lot of these character names and she immediately became Small Running Girl in my head. She is slight of stature but unflappable in her running as she traverses up and down the hills around my house. Back in my running days I was her, except I'm taller and not female.

I see and say hello to many others as I walk, depending on the time of day, but these are the regulars. I wonder if they have a name for me? I would be fine with Walking Sweatshirt Guy.

The return of five random thoughts on a Friday

(1) When my job went bye-bye, so did my newspaper subscription. Consequently, I have no idea what "sequestration" is and why everyone's talking about it. I do so much else online that you'd think getting my news there would be natural, but I can't get out of the newspaper paradigm. I really like holding sheets of newsprint in front of me in the morning. Eventually I'll adapt. But for now, I'm an old fogey.

(2) I just looked out my window and saw Hound Dog Guy and Relentlessly Waddling Lady pass by. These two (whom I assume are husband and wife) often walk up and down my street, and I used to see them frequently on my morning runs. Not anymore, though, as I run earlier in the day and finish long before they're out. I've been running regularly for about 15 years, and in that time I've given names to many of the neighborhood characters I encounter. I used to run past Cologne Guy in the morning, and the smell of his English Leather was actually quite pleasant. There was also Ridiculously Tan Woman and May or May Not Be Psychotic Guy. Hound Dog Guy, incidentally, derives his name from the fact that he walks his dog a lot, and at one point we thought it was a hound dog. It's not, as it turns out, but the name persists.

(3) I have yet to hear of: (a) a man who has an account on Pinterest, and (b) anything on Pinterest that would be remotely appealing to a man. I'm sure there are guys on there and they "pin" things that aren't related to crafts or fashion or whatever. It's just that I don't know any of them.

(4) The mention of English Leather above reminded me that I haven't had any cologne or after shave of my own in at least two years. I started wearing fragrances in high school, when Terry bought me a bottle of Polo. I liked Polo. I also liked Drakkar Noir, which was popular in the 90s, but Terry didn't, so I didn't wear it. When you're a married man or otherwise spoken for by a woman, your choice of manly aromas is not your own. This may or may not be a good thing.

(5) When I was in elementary school, I used to come home every day for lunch. My mom would have my food waiting for me and serve it to me on a TV tray. I would say thank you, but I don't think I ever really appreciated how awesome that was until...well, until just now when I typed it out. So I'll say it again, and this time it's heartfelt: Thanks, Mom. Those lunches were great.