I'm trying not to let the old man in, but modern travel makes it difficult

Country singer Toby Keith recorded a song called "Don't Let the Old Man In" that was apparently inspired by Clint Eastwood. The two were playing golf together in a charity event a few years ago when Clint remarked that he was about to turn 88. Toby asked what kept him going, and Clint's reply was "I get up every day and don't let the old man in."

I still have a long way to 88 (or 93, which is Clint Eastwood's current age), but I'm already familiar with the concept of not letting the old man in.

At some point in middle age, it gets very easy to be cranky. For many of my fellow Gen-Xers, surliness and general irritability are a point of pride. They revel in the old man (even the women).

Not me. Or at least, I don't want to be grouchy and disagreeable. The old man still makes unwanted appearances every day, and I have to make an effort to push him back into his corner and maintain a optimistic, cheerful outlook.

At no time does this get tested more than when I have to travel, and specifically when I have to travel for work.

Leisure travel is fun, and generally speaking when I do it, Terry is with me. The travel experience, like everything else in life, is a lot more enjoyable when she is there.

But work travel tends to be a lonely solo venture. For many who travel as a requirement of their jobs, there comes a time when it stops being fun.

For me I think it happened about 10 years ago. I'll still travel as much as the company needs me to, but I don't mind being in a position where I can sometimes go to a person on my team and say, "Hey, how do you feel about going to Milwaukee next week in my place?"

I did recently undertake a business trip to Milwaukee, as a matter of fact, and let me say here it's a very nice town. My problem with travel rarely has anything to do with the destination. It's getting there and getting home.

Compared with many places I've visited, a trip to Milwaukee is a breeze, involving just one flight and a rental car. But my one-hour flight to Chicago was crowded, hot, sweaty and generally uncomfortable. There was turbulence, which normally doesn't bother me but feels 10 times worse when the plane's air conditioning system leaves something to be desired.

Then there's O'Hare Airport, which as airports go is probably not too bad but is still huge and takes time to navigate. Getting to the rental car area feels like I've covered the distance from Cleveland to Chicago all over again.

Then there's the rigmarole of getting the car and driving the 70+ miles to Milwaukee, checking into the hotel, unpacking, etc.

If you're someone who doesn't work a white-collar job, you're reading this and wondering, "Where exactly is the problem?" And you're right. There is no problem there. This is all first-world whining by the old man, and I sometimes have to pull him aside and give him the "hey, it beats real work" lecture.

I didn't think this would be an issue for me at the comparatively tender age of 53, but I guess I'm going to have to spend the rest of my days taming the old man. I find him a lot easier to control when I'm at home than, say, when I'm sitting at the airport gate and my phone tells me the flight is "slightly" delayed and I'll be stuck reading my book and drinking Starbucks for another two hours before we even board.

In those instances, I allow the old man exactly three minutes to quietly seethe, then I order him back into his cage. That's probably more time than he deserves.

Flying used to be such a part of my life (and maybe yours)

We're driving my daughter down to Florida so she can participate in the Disney College Program starting next week. I'll then fly back alone in order to minimize the time I miss at my new job. It will be the first time I've been on an airplane since November 2019.

This 20-month hiatus marks the longest I've gone without flying in probably 25 years. There was a time when the airport felt like my second home.

I spent the summer of 2005, for example, crisscrossing the continent, jetting from place to place to do work on behalf of various clients as a public relations agency professional. There was one nine-day stretch when I flew to Minneapolis to work alongside the Northwest Airlines PR team for two days, then flew to London to meet with various journalists over a five-day period, then flew directly back to Minneapolis once again to work with Northwest.

Terry was pregnant with Jack at the time and was having to take care of four young children by herself while I was gone. She was less than happy with my travel schedule.

It will be strange going through the airport security process again and, you know, actually streaking into the sky. I never used to pay much attention to takeoffs and landings, but I'm going to soak up every minute of my 2 1/2-hour jaunt from Orlando to Cleveland.

There is some business travel in store for me at Goodyear, but nothing on the scale of what I used to do 15-20 years ago.

And this, I assure you, is a very good thing.

I'm comin' home...

The title of this post? It's the name of a song by Skylar Grey that my daughter Melanie always, always sings when someone takes her to Wendy's (her favorite fast food restaurant). In fact, she records herself singing it each time she pulls into a Wendy's and then sends the recording to everyone in her family via Snapchat. True story. Terry's kids are so weird.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make reference to the song. I really am literally comin' home today after nine days on the road for business travel. I started off in Chicago two Saturdays ago and then flew out to Anaheim, California, the middle of last week. Both trips were for trade shows. Terry and our daughter Elissa joined me in Anaheim, and now we're all flying back to Cleveland today.

I used to semi-like business travel. And when I say "semi-like," I mean just that. I've never loved it. In fact, I've written before about the hassles that are involved in seemingly each and every business trip I've ever taken.

So I try my best to avoid it. I've been to most of the U.S. and several countries, and now I'm really only attracted to travel opportunities that are 100% fun and 0% business. As those are few and far between for me these days, I tend to stay away from airports and airplanes to the greatest degree possible.

I was trying to think what I dislike most about business travel and I had trouble settling on just one thing. It always feels good coming back to your own bed, of course, but most hotels I visit have nice, comfortable beds, so it's not that.

Some people don't like the food choices when they travel, but I'm essentially a goat and will eat anything, so it's not that, either.

I think it's just the disruption of my routine. Yes, I have five children and thus am subject to varying levels of chaos each and every day, so you would think I don't even have a routine. But roughly speaking, I do. And the older I get, the more I like to just stick to that routine: Getting up at roughly the same time in the same place, doing the same things, enjoying the company of the same small group of people.

That may sound boring to you, but it's heaven to me. What an old guy I am.

Anyway, nine days is more than long enough to be away, so I'm anxious to get back to the sunny(?) North Coast of America. I like Chicago and I like California, but I love Wickliffe. Always have, always will.

Comin' home, comin' home. Tell the world I'm comin' home...

Business travel: Fun until you actually have to do it

If all goes well, I'll be jetting off to Boston later today for a three-day business trip.

Nice town, Boston. One of my favorites.

Not that it matters much, though, because I'll spend virtually my entire time there at a conference, gathering intelligence and forming key relationships on behalf of my employer.

Which of course is the snag in business travel, isn't it? The concept sounds nice, but it's not like you're going on vacation or anything.

The only business trip I ever took on which I had some true "tourist time" was when I went to China in 2005. That trip was 15 days, but I probably could have accomplished everything I set out to do in 8 to 10.

The extra time was for sightseeing and I took advantage of it. The Great Wall was a highlight, as were the outdoor markets of Shanghai.

But almost every other work-related trip I've ever taken has been business first and...well, business second, too.

Depending on the industry in which you work, a typical business trip looks something like this:

• 6 a.m. - Drive to airport
• 6:30 a.m. - Fail to find a parking spot
• 6:40 a.m. - Continue failing to find a parking spot
• 6:45 a.m. - Create an illegal parking spot and hope no one notices for the next several days while you're gone.
• 6:50 a.m. - Lug carry-on baggage into terminal and proceed to security checkpoint.
• 6:55 a.m. - Begin waiting in line for security check.
• 7:55 a.m. - Near end of security checkpoint wait time.
• 8:55 a.m. - Finish waiting in line for security checkpoint and begin dealing with crack TSA agents manning their posts.
• 9:00 a.m. - Receive dangerous dose of radiation from full-body scanner. Make mental note to find an oncologist.
• 9:05 a.m. - Clear security checkpoint and proceed to gate.
• 9:15 a.m. - Arrive at gate, sit down, begin reading book or newspaper while waiting to be called to board.
• Three days later - Board aircraft after minor mechanical delays and some kind of weather system in a completely different part of the country result in repeated cancellations of your flight.
• Many, many hours later - Arrive at your destination.
• Take cab to hotel. Note interesting sights along the way, because it's the last time you'll be outside for the duration of your stay in this particular city.
• Arrive at hotel, check in, go up to room, unpack.
• Order overpriced room service and hope company accountants don't mind that you just paid $37 for a hamburger.
• Go to sleep.
• Wake up (preferably the next day). If appropriately motivated, proceed to hotel fitness center and run a half hour on a treadmill while watching the Home Shopping Network because the remote is broken and you can't change the channel on the 15-inch TV mounted on the far wall.
• Return to room, shower, dress, and go to hotel restaurant for a plate of $23 scrambled eggs.
• Take cab to place of business, whether it's a convention center, office, or abandoned warehouse (again, depending on your line of work).
• Return to hotel 14 hours later. Repeat last several steps until your airline ticket says it's time to return home.
• Return home.
• Pay airport police to retrieve your car from the impound lot after it was towed for being parked illegally.
• Drive to your house.
• Vow to spouse that you're finished with business travel and refuse to take another trip.
• Go to the office the next day and find out you need to be in Spokane next Thursday.

With a few minor variations (for example, your actual scrambled eggs may be $24), this is a pretty universal rundown of the average business trip. If you see anything glamorous in there, please let me know.