I apparently lack the ability to speak English

I've always thought of myself as somewhat articulate. I can form a complete sentence and write a coherent paragraph.

But over the past year, it has been brought to my attention that there are at least two English words I have been pronouncing incorrectly my entire life. I was stunned to learn this.

The first is "warriors." Say that word to yourself: "warriors." How do you pronounce it? Probably correctly: "WAR-ee-ers." Not me. I've always said "WER-ee-ers." Not only did I have no idea I said it this way, I didn't even realize it was wrong.

My wife was the one who pointed it out. I don't remember why the word came up in conversation, but she looked at me funny and said, "Worriers? Did you just say 'worriers?'"

"No, of course not," I replied. "I said 'warriors.'" (only I pronounced it "worriers")

"Exactly! You said 'worriers.' It's 'WAR-riors.'"

And then I said the word to myself several times over. I quickly realized I had been mangling it for years. Then I tried to say it aloud. Only I couldn't. Seriously, I couldn't. It took several tries and a concerted effort before I could say it right: WAR-riors.

This happened about a year ago. And to this day I'm still self-conscious when I say that word. I have to say it slowly: WAR-ee-ers. Not that it's a word I use often, but when it comes up, I'm stumped.

The other word I've been mispronouncing, apparently, is "crayons." How do you say it? I've always said, "CRAY-ons." Just like it's spelled. But my wife and son informed me the other night that most Americans say it differently. I don't really know how to render it phonetically for you, but apparently the common pronounciation is "CRAY-ens," with the "ens" part said very subtly and almost softly.

I guess you're not supposed to say it like it's spelled. The word ends in "ons," so I say "CRAY-ons," with a distinct short "o" sound on the last syllable. Terry tells me I've been saying it wrong for years but she just has never called me on it.

Again, this is stunning to me. I'm a father of five kids, so believe me, crayons have been an almost daily part of our family lexicon for years. And I've been saying the word wrong.

It makes me wonder what ELSE I've been pronouncing incorrectly. Do I not speak true American English? Where did I pick up this speech impediment?

The whole thing is very disconcerting (dis-con-SERT-ing...I think), to say the least.

Ten random thoughts on a Friday

1. Crayon colors I could do without: Burnt sienna, cornflower, pine green, either red orange or orange red (one or the other...we don't need both).
   
   
2. Crayon colors I like: Silver, brick red, forest green, cerulean, raw umber.
   
   
3. This week between Christmas and New Year's Day is the strangest one of the year. Some people are working, some aren't. Some businesses are open, some aren't. My inclination is to say that everyone and everything should just shut down, but there are certain stores I need to stay open this week because I want to shop there. If we could all just agree to make me Holiday Czar, the whole thing would work out fine.
   
   
4. This is sort of awkward, but how come no one bothered to tell me that Ernest Borgnine and Abe Vigoda were still alive? And while we're on the subject, how can that be?
   
   
5. If I'm flipping through channels and I come across an episode of "M*A*S*H," I will always stop and watch. Always.
   
   
6. Every Tuesday, Terry babysits a little girl named Ava. It's a nice way for her to earn some extra cash, and our whole family just loves little Ava. Chloe has taken on Ava-watching responsibilities during this Christmas break, and the other day I saw her changing Ava's diaper. And do you know what? I realized I miss changing diapers. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say that, but it has been awhile since we had any diaper-wearers in the house, and I actually miss it. It was always a nice little bonding time with the child in question. Of course, I understand perfectly that if given the responsibility of changing diapers again, I would get sick of it after maybe two changings. I know that. But for now, I officially (sort of) miss it.
   
   
7. I wish I had time to read magazines. I've always thought that magazine readers were smarter than the rest of us. Maybe I'm wrong there.
   
   
8. This will almost certainly be the first time in history that someone has typed this sentence, but it's true: I wish I had learned to play the bassoon.
   
   
9. Because of my big head, I don't often wear hats of any kind. They just don't look good on me. I am deeply envious of all you tiny-headed hat-wearers.
   
   
10. For the second Christmas in a row, we gave Jared a gift card to Baker's Square to buy his own pie. The boy loves pie, LOVES it. Last year he got a pumpkin pie and ate the whole thing by himself in less than 24 hours. I'm sure he'll do it again this year. He eats like this all the time, and I doubt he weighs more than a buck-30. I understand the whole teenage-boy-metabolism thing, but seriously, how can he not be 300 pounds? He defies all known laws of physics and biology. Again, I'm jealous and baffled.