If you force me to give you relationship advice, here are three things I'll tell you

By no one's definition of the word am I an expert when to comes marriage and relationships. Yes, I've been married for 28 1/2 years, but I almost want to say I lucked into that.

(Actually, there was no luck involved at all. "Blessing" is a much better word for it. The point is that I never purposely planned this out. It all just sort of happened.)

My four oldest kids each have significant others, and those relationships have all lasted for some time. I wish I could say they chose their partners well because I taught them what to look for. But this isn't true. They either asked their mother for advice in this area or, like their father, they just sort of fell into stable, loving relationships.

But I suppose if you held that proverbial gun to my head, or much better yet, if you offered me $1 million, I could come up with some tips that may or may not improve your love life. Here's what I have:

(1) Aim high: I married up and I highly recommend it. My wife is the best person I know. She has too many great qualities to enumerate, but "beautiful," "smart," "funny," "honest," and "talented" probably top the list. I like to joke that I always know what she's going to say or do next, but truth be told, she almost always has me guessing. That's a good thing. If you can be with a person you aspire to emulate, things will always be interesting. (NOTE: The corollary to this, of course, is that the good person ends up with a not-as-good person, which could get boring for them after a while. The trick is to get someone who's better than you AND who is OK spending their life dragging you in their wake. A tall order, sure, but I'm proof it can be done.)

(2) It's not about you. It can't be: You have to be willing to put the other person's interests ahead of your own. That doesn't mean you should quash your own desires 100% of the time, but it seems impossible to be both a selfish person and someone who has a successful long-term relationship. The funny thing about this, in my experience, is that the more you tend to the other person's needs, the more your own will be fulfilled (and vice-versa).

(3) You're gonna want someone you can laugh with. And at. A lot: This is such a cliche, but I'm telling you, this may be the single most important thing. You're going to go through a whole bunch of stuff together. Some of it will be good, some of it will be bad. If you can laugh equally at both, and do it together, that's gold, Jerry. Life is mostly funny. Treat it that way.

Those few seconds when you just stare at your child

I was looking at my son Jared the other day. He didn't know I was looking at him, which is good because it would have been a bit weird and creepy, with me just staring at him and all.

But you parents know what I'm talking about, right? Sometimes you just look at your child. You do it when they're infants and they're sleeping. And you do it when they're older, too. You can't help it.

When I was looking at Jared, I was thinking a lot of different things. I thought about how grown up he is. I thought about how physically big he is. I thought what a shame it was that my dad never got the chance to see him play soccer or kick a football. (Trust me, Bob Tennant would have LOVED watching his grandkids play high school sports. He would have been a permanent fixture at Wickliffe High School. Heck, he came to most of my football PRACTICES. The man was a true fan.)

Sometimes you look at your kids and you think what a genuine miracle they are. I imagine this is especially true for the mothers who actually birth them because, you know, you grew a kid inside of you. In less than a year, that child formed inside of you and burst into the world. And now, well, here they are. Amazing.

You also look at your kids and worry a little. Even if there's not really anything specific to worry about, you worry anyway because that's what you do. Right there in the parent job description it says, "Must be willing to worry about child even when you can't quite pinpoint exactly what you're worrying about."

I guess we worry about whether we've done our jobs right in raising them. We worry about how they're doing in school and in life. We worry about whether we've taught them the things they need to know.

All of this flickered through my mind when I looked over at Jared as we were driving to a hockey game together. And in that moment I felt a love so intense for him it was a little jarring.

You always love your kids, of course. But there are moments when you remember how much you love them, and it hits you hard. For most of us, we love because we ourselves were loved. We are bound to pass that love along as part of a relationship that is simultaneously the most rewarding and most difficult thing we do in this life.

And all the while, The Boy was looking down at his phone, no doubt absorbed in checking the performance of his fantasy football team or reading up on how the Browns – his favorite football team and mine – have managed to screw up in some new and creative way.

He was oblivious, but that's OK. It's not his time yet. One day he'll feel the same love for his own child, and only then will he realize that his own parents felt the same way about him. You can't fully understand it until you're ready to give it to someone else. That's the nature of it. And like I said, that's OK.

I stared at him a few more seconds, and then the light that had us stopped in Downtown Cleveland turned green. So I turned my attention back to the road. But I still loved him.

I'll always love him.

Four reasons you should have kids

You will learn a love you didn't even know existed

It's different from the way you love your spouse. Not better, not more intense, just different. Your care and concern for these little humans will be, at times, all-consuming. You think you understand this love before you become a parent, but you don't. It starts the minute that child is born and continues on forever. That's a good thing, because there will also be times when you want to kill the little brat (which, it turns out, is illegal in most states).

Two words: Tax deduction

I hate to be so blunt about it, but man, having five kids definitely has its tax advantages. Our tax code is written in a way that encourages you to procreate. So go ahead and Dugger it up! That tax refund check will be huge! Of course, you'll blow the whole thing on diapers and sippy cups, but the folks at Costco will love to see you coming.

Men only: Free food in the maternity ward refrigerator

I believe it's the policy in most hospitals (at least it was in the two hospitals where my kids were born) to provide a refrigerator stocked with food and drink for expectant fathers to consume while their wives are in labor. All of this stuff is absolutely free. I'm all about free stuff, especially edible free stuff. But you must remember to down it all before you get back to your wife's room. She can't eat while in labor, and she will despise you if she sees food. And pregnant women have superhuman strength. You don't want to mess with them.

You can perform incredible feats of sleep deprivation!

This doesn't necessarily apply to all parents. Some people have babies who sleep through the night right from the get-go. Our first few babies were like this, and I often wondered, "What exactly is it that people always complain about when it comes to babies? They sleep at night just like us. Piece of cake!" Then Melanie came along and she took a good 18 months to sleep through the wee hours consistently. And Jack had his share of problems mastering this skill, as well. It's not fun. BUT...you find yourself accomplishing stuff on 45 minutes of sleep you never thought possible. There's a certain sense of grim pride in this. Trust me, you'll learn to embrace it.