Determine whether you're a Real Guy in three easy questions

Some years ago, I developed a three-question quiz a man can take to figure out whether he's a "Real Guy."

By "Real Guy," I mean a truly masculine man, at least so far as society tends to define masculinity.

The quiz is easy and somewhat reliable, in my experience. As I said, it's only three questions long. For each question you earn either 0 points, 1/2 point, or 1 full point. At the end you add up your points, and that total determines your Real Guy Quotient (I just made up that phrase, but it sounds very scientific.)

Before we dive in, let's be clear on a couple of things:

1. My Real Guy Quotient is 0. I fall short on all three questions and am not a good example of modern masculinity. I have learned to accept this about myself.
   
   
2. To that point, there are many women who score higher on this quiz than I do. And that's saying something when you consider that, for most females, only the first two questions really apply.

OK, here we go. Again, this is a self-scoring exercise, so be honest:

QUESTION #1: Can you explain in some level of detail what a joist is?

• If the answer is no, or if you have to look it up to provide an answer, give yourself 0 points.
• If you sort of know the answer, or if you made the common mistake of confusing a joist with a beam, give yourself 1/2 point.
• If you can instantly give the correct answer, take 1 full point.
  
  

QUESTION #2: Do you own, or have you ever truly and genuinely wanted to own, a motorcycle?

• If you're like me and the answer is an emphatic no, it's 0 points for you.
• If you've at least considered it but didn't necessarily have a real passion for owning a motorcycle, you get 1/2 point.
• If you've owned a motorcycle or have spent your life really, really wanting one, grab that 1 full point.
  
  

QUESTION #3: Do you refer to your friends as "buddies?" That is, will you say something like, "A buddy of mine has a truck just like that" as opposed to "A friend of mine..."?

• Again, if you're me and you've only ever had "friends" and have never referred to an acquaintance as a "buddy," mark yourself down for 0.
• If you have an even mix of "buddies" and "friends," you've earned 1/2 point.
• If you refer to other guys solely as your "buddies," or your buddy-to-friend ratio is at least 80/20, take 1 full point.

All right, add up your score and use this handy scale to determine your Real Guy Quotient:

2 1/2 OR 3 POINTS: You, sir, are basically Rambo. You will likely be killing a deer with your bare hands this evening to provide dinner for your family.

1 1/2 OR 2 POINTS: You're in good shape. Very masculine. Maybe not top tier, but there's a good chance you'll soon be riding your motorcycle to your buddy's house to discuss joists. And spit a lot.

0, 1/2, OR 1 POINT: Welcome to the club, Cupcake. You and I are going to have a blast watching Lifetime movies together.

Most men will probably score higher than me on the Real Guy Test

The AI Blog Post Image Generator spit this out when I prompted it with "manly man." I feel like it's really hitting its stride these days!

Some years ago (12, if we're being exact), I wrote a post on this blog in which I described the Real Guy Test. This is a simple three-question quiz I created to help a man determine exactly how much of a Real Guy he is.

The three questions are these:

(1) Without asking someone else or looking it up, do you know exactly what a joist is? ("Close enough" doesn't count. You have to really know what a joist is and what it does.)

(2) Do you have, have you ever had, or do you at least have an intense desire to own a motorcycle?

(3) Do you refer to your friends as "buddies?" (i.e., "A buddy of mine runs one of those generators on the back of his truck.")

I freely admit, even as the person who came up with the Real Guy Test, that my answer to each of these questions is an emphatic "no." There is no semblance of Real Guyness within me.

When I came up with the test in 2012, it included this scoring key:

• 3 "yes" responses = If you and I get into a fight, even if I outweigh you by 50 pounds, you will beat me to a pulp.
  
  
• 2 "yes" responses = You're solidly manly and should feel confident in your male-itude.
  
  
• 1 "yes" response = There's hope for you, but you're not going to be voted Guy of the Year any time soon.
  
  
• 0 "yes" responses (my score) = What time are you coming over so we can watch "The Notebook" together?
  

If you score 0 like me, it is possible to improve over time on the motorcycle and buddies questions. You can develop a desire for a bike, and you can pick up the habit of calling your friends "buddies" in a genuine, non-ironic way.

But the joist question is a one-time only deal. You either know it the first time you take the test and get credit for a point, or you don't. You can't look it up and then later claim it as proof of your manliness. Once a 0 or a 1, always a 0 or a 1 when it comes to that question.

Even still, my score has not budged in the decade-plus since I devised the quiz. I am still a 0 and will remain a 0 for the rest of my days. I don't want a motorcycle, I still have only "friends," and even having read up extensively on joists, my explanation of their function is still somewhat shaky.

I could boost my own ego by adding a fourth question along the lines of "Do you own a light purple t-shirt with the name of French composer Claude Debussy on it?", to which my response is a proud "Yes!"

But somehow I feel that one doesn't fit with the other questions.

Power to the people...or at least to me

This morning I snowblowed the driveway.

GRAMMAR QUESTION: Should it be "snowblew?" And is it two words or one? I need a ruling on this.

Anyway, I realize there's nothing remotely interesting about that. Every day in the winter, millions of people use snowblowers to clear their driveways, sidewalks, etc. But to me it was fun because it meant I got to use a piece of gas-driven power equipment.

See, I work in an office. With a computer and mouse. Nothing I do in the course of my job is in the least bit manly. So there's a part of me that needs to be a lumberjack or a construction foreman or an oil rig worker or something.

This is of course funny in that I have no real mechanical skill. Yet still, I have this inborn drive to play with things that are loud and that push, pull, pump, cut or otherwise destroy other things. That's how powerful this urge is in men...even if you probably shouldn't be trusted with operating these machines, you still HAVE to.

This explains, for example, why motorcycles are so popular among guys. Other guys, that is. A motorcycle is the one manly man item I've never really cared about. But most guys are all about riding motorcycles. They're loud and they go fast. They're the grown-up version of playing with Hot Wheels cars.

Incidentally, as many of my friends and family know, years ago I came up with a three-question Real Guy Test that measures your degree of manliness, and motorcycles are involved. It should be noted that I fail this test miserably. I fall short on all three pillars of guy-ness.

It's a simple test, really. Just three yes/no questions:

 (1) Without asking someone else or looking it up, do you know exactly what a joist is?

(2) Do you have -- or do you at least have an intense desire to own -- a motorcycle?

(3) Do you refer to your friends as "buddies?" (i.e., "A buddy of mine runs one of those generators on the back of his truck.")

If, like me, you answered "no" to all three of those questions, you might as well put on a dress and watch "The Notebook." One "yes" answer means there's hope for you, but you're not going to be voted Guy of the Year any time soon. Two "yes" responses show you're solidly manly and should be confident in your male-itude, while three "yes" answers indicate that, should you and I get into fight, even if I outweigh you by 50 pounds, you will almost certainly beat me to a pulp.

Anyway, like I said, despite all of this, nature dictates that I use loud machines from time to time. When we moved into our current house, my favorite part was driving the big UHaul truck. We used to have an old chainsaw and a chipper/shredder that I would mess with. And again there's the joy of the snowblower, which while not exactly brimming with horsepower, throws snow far enough that I feel powerful when I use it.

I understand there are many women who also like to use power tools. The difference is that with females, this is an individual, personality-related trait. In men it's primal. It's a part of who we are and what we do.

If I could make the Tim Allen manly growl sound right now, I would.