Monday, December 12, 2011

Vinegar and feet

I have more than 700 Facebook friends.

I don't say that to boast, because there's nothing really impressive about it. Anyone who wants a lot of Facebook friends can have them, either by throwing out friend requests left and right or accepting any request that comes their way.

I fall into the second group. I have Facebook friends with whom I'm only passingly familiar, but I really hate to reject anyone's friend request, so I always figure, "Well, I must know this person somehow. Though honestly, I can't remember the last time I was in Nigeria."

Anyway, I have a lot of Facebook friends, which means there's always a lot of activity in my FB news feed. And at least once day, one of those friends (usually female, usually about my age or a little older) will post something to the effect of, "Sitting on the couch drinking a glass of Chardonnay and relaxing. Wonderful!"

And I get jealous. Not necessarily of the "relaxing" part, though that would be nice. But of the Chardonnay part. I am envious of anyone who drinks and enjoys wine, because I cannot stand the taste of it. It's revolting to me. All of it.

But understand, I really, really WANT to like wine. I wish I enjoyed it, because it just sounds so much fun. To me, all wine -- and I mean ALL wine -- tastes like vinegar, or feet, or some combination of the two.

Interestingly, the same is true for Terry. Neither of us even much likes the smell of wine, let alone the taste. I realize we're in the minority here. And believe me, we've tried and tried, but neither of us has ever tasted any wine we've liked. Ever.

Some people seem genuinely offended when they hear that. They're convinced they can "fix" us. "Have you ever tried this wine or that one?" they'll ask. And we'll usually say yes and yes, and both made us want to throw up. "How about a sweet wine? A dry wine? Cabernet? Zinfandel? Merlot? Red wines? White wines? Dessert wines? Mad Dog?" Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES, YES, YES! They're all terrible, do you hear me? VINEGAR AND FEET!

Our church serves Welch's grape juice for communion, so that's what we have every Sunday. But occasionally we'll visit a sister church that uses real wine, and we won't know about it. I'll take a hefty swig and then do that involuntary shutter thing you do when you've ingested something that disgusts you.

But again, I really wish this wasn't the case. I attend plenty of business events where people are walking around carrying their glasses of wine, looking all adult-like and sophisticated. I'll usually have a beer, because I like beer. But only one beer. More than one and the appeal drops away quickly for me.

Plus, I start to get woozy after more than one beer. Seriously. I'm a 42-year-old man and more than one beer starts sending me over the edge. You can't call me a lightweight drinker. I'm whatever is under lightweight. "Featherweight," maybe? So after that first beer I'll usually have water or something while everyone else is drinking their Bordeaux or Fauxfaux or HoHoHo or whatever it is that grown-ups drink.

If you have wine suggestions, I'll gladly accept them. But I'm telling you, my wife and I are wine-proof. It's sad, really.


  1. i must laugh at that... i am with you on the tasting like rotten vinegar.... but i will occasionally buy a bottle telling myself that i like wine.. only to have a sip and throw away the rest of the bottle... my husband laughs at me each and every time saying i thought you don't like wine.. and my response is... I Don't...

  2. My father, you know him, makes his own wine. He drinks it. Everyone else in my family likes so maybe you should give it a try (not saying you're apart of my family though)

  3. I can't get down a sip of either wine or beer. I figure it's just as well... I can afford the product or the DWI.
    -Daniel Patchin

  4. The problem is all that Boone's Farm you drank in high school. Its ruined you for the good stuff...

  5. I only like Mogen David and Manischewitz wines.

    Carol D4D

  6. Maryland Uncle ScottDecember 16, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    As a member of one of the "The Sister Churches", I have to say I am terribly sorry. I hope to remember this and make special provisions for Terry & you on your next visit!