Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Four Things That Mystify Me About Daughters

(1) Ponytail Holders
Well, not the ponytail holders themselves. I know what they're for. I'm just amazed at the quantity of them around the house, and the fact that they always, always, always end up on the floor. Not just the bathroom floor, any floor. I find them everywhere. Are my daughters randomly pulling these things out of their hair and just whipping them onto the floor regardless of where they are? I don't know, but I estimate that we own 14 trillion ponytail holders, and I have picked up each and every one at least once.

(2) They Know Things
This isn't just my daughters, it's women in general. They have secret knowledge they pass down to each other. Little girls do these intricate handclapping/rhyming games I can't begin to figure out. They know how to do things to their hair -- and to their friends' hair -- that escape me. They instinctively fold clothes better than I do. I don't understand any of it, and my wife won't tell me what the secret is. Mark my words, though, ladies...one of these days I'm going find out where you hold your meetings and I'm sneaking in through the back door. Then you'll be sorry!

(3) Their Capacity For Love...and Anger
I have two sons. They're simple to understand, in part because they have a very narrow range of emotions. Only with delicate scientific instruments can you successfully tell Angry Jared from Happy Jared. Their only real needs are food, water, shelter and video games. Rarely do they do anything unexpected. I like that. But my girls? I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to get from them day to day. Could be ectastic joy, could be fire-breathing rage. Could be both. Your guess is as good as mine. One of these days I'll do a post on the bizarre biological phenomenon known as menstrual synchrony, and those of you without female offspring will have a better idea of what I'm talking about.

(4) They Can Get Me To Do Anything For Them
I've been aware of this since March 24, 1994, the day Elissa was born. She came out of the womb, looked me right in the face, and with those sad, pleading, puppy dog eyes, asked me to buy her a car. And I did. (Well, not really, but I WOULD have.) People often talk about daughters having fathers wrapped around their little fingers, and oh believe me, it's true. It's the strongest of their powers, and they wisely keep it in reserve until they need it most. It's not that I never tell them "no," but when they really want something, they know how to get it from me. They may have learned this from their mother.

BONUS MATERIAL: Four things that mystify me about sons
Nothing. Nothing mystifies me about my sons. I told you, they're simple creatures and easy to understand. This could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. I'm thinking a little of both.


  1. Patti aka Mrs. Marn aka, now that I am old, MammaDecember 14, 2011 at 8:41 AM

    Raised 5 sons, 1 daughter. Always said I would raise many, many more boys than another girl. Then, God's sense of humor kicked in, at my expense once again, and a bundle of love was tossed into my life by the name of Katie.

    Girls do have a unique charm that they are born with and are armed and ready to use with any male who enters their life. The bond they have with Dad is natural and they use it to manipulate without hesitation.

    I was introduced to ponytail holders with my 6th child, Megan. They plague me still by way of Katie.

    The 'secret knowledge' women have is their gift to aid them in dealing with the men in their lives. Trying to understand it is futile, it is out of reach for any man.

    'Menstrual synchrony, that bizarre biological phenomenon', just is...and has been since the beginning of time. Chalk it up to just being a 'reason' for the range of emotions women experience that can change in a split second...go with the 'flow' (lol) and life will be easier on you.

    Women do have a power that overwhelms men. So be it. ;o)

    Now, about those sons.............I could write volumes. Will spare you and save that for another time.

  2. Patti: I would gladly read your volumes on raising sons (and daughters for that matter)! Time for a Mama Marn blog...

  3. Ohhh, Scott. When I return to Wickliffe we must talk, perhaps have coffee. I understand everything about my daughter and absolutely nothing about my 13-year old son. Does he have emotions? He grunts and smiles... That's the scope and the seeming range of his emotions. I know they're in there but his limited vocabulary -- "I don't know," "maybe," and "I lost it" helps little. He likes earbuds, video games, and text messaging. He hates it when I make him eat foods other than cereal, bacon, and the occasional apple or pear. I don't know how he finds anything in his bedroom or school locker, and compliance with directives is met with the aforementioned grunt, a deep sigh as if his lungs are fighting for air, or with eyes that cut or roll. Words and a range of thoughts would help.... I do, however, have million ponytail holders, one million in each room of the house.

  4. I would love to do that, Mom...if I knew who you were. Reveal thyself! (And for the record, boys' grunts are a little like Mandarin Chinese words: Each grunt is slightly different from the others, and it's only by interpreting the inflection that you can discern the true meaning. I'll walk you through it.)

  5. Yes, ponytail holders are randomly pulled from hair and whipped at the floor. As are bobby pins, headbands, and socks! Unfortunately, my household has not amassed 14 trillion ponytail holders, bobby pins, nor headbands (those items need to be replenished every 6 weeks or so), but we do have a very nice assortment of mismatched socks! Good thing those are "in" these days! As for the clothes folding, I'm guessing that may be a Ross thing. It most definitely is not an all encompassing female thing...or at least not a female-named-Gabriel kind of thing. You have my deepest sympathy during your times of menstrual synchrony. Hopefully your endeavors in college searching will pay off and displace at least one of those in sync...