Monday, December 11, 2023

I didn't pose naked for the cover like Britney, and nine other reasons you should buy my book this holiday season

  1. You will laugh, either at the content or at the fact I think I'm so funny.

  2. You will cry, either over the content or over the fact I think I'm so funny.

  3. I will agree not to sign the book for you, thus preserving its value.

  4. It has a beautiful cover with which I had almost nothing to do. The best parts of the book admittedly do not involve me.

  5. I make $3.42 per paperback copy sold, which I pledge to use to buy myself apples. This doesn't really benefit you, but as noted here many times before, I like apples.

  6. You can either buy Stephen King's new book or you can buy mine. I was a contestant on two game shows. Stephen's game show count? To my knowledge it's zero. Advantage: me.

  7. It would make my wife Terry happy. Imagine how good you'll feel making her happy.

  8. My book explains in earnest detail why Chuck E. Cheese plays a vital role in preventing a worldwide revolt among young children. You're not going to get that kind of insight from, say, Britney Spears' memoir.

  9. Speaking of Britney, unlike her, I did not pose nearly naked for the cover of my book, which I consider a great favor to you. The least you can do in return is to buy the book.

  10. In buying my book, you're propping up the economy. I don't want to imply that worldwide financial collapse would be your fault if you choose not to buy my book, but I'm also not saying that's not the case. Just to be on the safe side, you should probably just buy the book.

(Since this list likely did more to talk you out of buying the book than anything else, thank you for even considering it!)

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