10 older-person things I never thought I would do, yet here I am doing them

 

It's just a Snapchat filter, but this may as well be how I look these days.

1. Paying close attention to the identity of birds that land on our back deck
   
   
2. Finding myself suddenly and randomly thinking about insurance coverage
   
   
3. Making a little noise every time I rise from a seated position (Note: A noise from my mouth, I mean, not from...other places on my body.)
   
   
4. Watering my grass every day (Another note: I only water the two spots in the backyard where we planted grass seed this spring. Give me another 10 years and I'll likely be doing the whole lawn.)
   
   
5. Making a full and protracted stop at a stop sign as an act of defiance to the guy who is tailgating me even though I should be the bigger person and ignore him BUT IT'S 25MPH ON THESE STREETS, SIR, NOT 40 AND YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN
   
   
6. Related to that, saying (loudly, even when I'm the only one in the car) "Nice stop!" to someone who rolls through a stop sign. On occasion, I've also been known to throw in a "Nice turn signal!" to anyone who fails to use theirs.
   
   
7. Being unable to keep myself from saying things like, "Yes, but at least back in my day, popular music had MELODY and INTELLIGIBLE LYRICS."
   
   
8. Getting visibly angry at the weeds growing through the cracks in our driveway
   
   
9. Earnestly wondering whether I should take up the bassoon (this thought has occurred to me way more often than I care to admit)
   
   
10. Telling the same stories and jokes to the same people over and over, having reached the bottom of what I had assumed was an endless well of charming anecdotes in my brain

The barrage of critters on our back deck

One of our cats' current favorite pastimes is to sit near the door to our deck and stare at the animals who visit there.

And when I say "animals," I really mean squirrels and birds. Other than the very, very occasional raccoon at night, those are the only varmints who regularly come calling.

They do this because we offer them food. As I've mentioned before, my wife has a tiny squirrel picnic table on the deck that she regularly outfits with corn cobs. Word has spread quickly among the local squirrel community that there is tasty free corn to be had at this location, so every day we get several fluffy-tailed visitors.

Terry put a plastic bird feeder on the garage window that looks out onto the deck, so we also get a steady influx of wrens, sparrows, and other small winged creatures I can't identify.

All of which puts the cats into a frenzy.

Well, not a "frenzy" so much as a state of high alert. Our fluffy cat Molly, in particular, has taken it upon herself to spend hours each day observing the comings and goings of our woodland friends. She can barely contain her rage over their insolence and would like nothing more than to get outside and personally maim each and every one of them.

The other cats are curious but nowhere near as angry as Molly, who sits on an office chair placed there by Jared so that her long lonely hours of guard duty will at least be comfortable.

My favorite times are when the squirrels, who have come to realize we mean them no harm at all, walk right up to the deck door within inches of Molly's face and stare at her through the glass. She gets so worked up she starts making strange clicking noises and vows to rain eternal hellfire on the squirrel and each of his/her descendants.

I think she needs some sort of anger management training.

In her defense, squirrels really can be evil. My daughter Elissa recently had a squirrel get into her chicken wire-protected garden and wreak havoc on the plants there before he finally figured out how to escape.

This does not deter me from wanting a squirrel as a pet, but I'll admit they may not be the innocent, lovable little fuzzballs I've always assumed they were.